DEFYING THE UNDEFINED

Last week I got to thinking how a relationship can be defined. When you are dating someone and you do all the general things that boyfriends do, is it safe to assume you are already boyfriends just by the activities that you do?

Reading a popular blog ‘Break the illusion’, I became aware of the importance or more so the human needs to label something or a situation. We humans can rationalised a whole lot better when we can identify the meaning of something in order to know what it is.

The fear of the unknown plays a great deal with our minds, such as new tastes, new locations and change, partly due because we do not know what to expect from these new and exciting situations. We build a barrier and create a bubble which becomes our safety zone in which all that we know around us is safe. We can happily continue to live our lives within this bubble of the known world to us, but what is there beyond?

If Christopher Columbus hadn’t followed his instinct and broken his fear of the unknown far regions of the earth and sailed across the Atlantic to discover the New World, we would never be where we are now (that can be disputed with the genocide that the Indians of the New World faced with the Spanish conquistadors).
My outlook in life has always been to break the barriers rather than live complacent with what I have (that isn’t to say that I am not happy with what I have, because it’s important to be happy with what we get and currently have) but to break the bubble, live away from a predicable routine (easier said than done) and step off the fence, in my opinion, is a better way to experience what life has to offer.

Change is good! What ever it is! So in my case I have gone from being single to not being single. At first I have been somewhat apprehensive about such move considering where previous relationships have gone. I know I am heading in a good direction but I can’t help to notice other aspect s of my life still in need of change.

The thought of labelling my relationship daunted me because I didn’t want anything to change from what it is, but when it moves like a dog, barks like a dog then it must be a dog. I know that if the relationship is to progress between me and Kiwi Boy then so must the way in which we identify with each other and the rest of the world and I mustn’t worry about what the past has brought or what the future will bring.

Defining ones relationship shows the progression of where you are with that person; be it just dating to becoming boyfriends or getting hitched or simply remaining steady.
It’s been a long while since I last called some my boyfriend and I am getting used to that idea not only in my head but also by how it sounds when I hear myself say it.

There isn’t a general rule as to how you ought to define a relationship and it has more to do with the individuals views and feelings for one another that allow a mutual progression into a ‘next step’. If it’s easy to label a situation for one’s benefit of identification then do so. I for one like to separate my clothes in my wardrobe by colour, t-shirts, jeans, sweaters etc. By knowing where everything is I can easily go in a grab what I want (it isn’t the case all the time as I can be messy during busy and stressful periods). Anyhow this just helps me identify things.

Label or no label, just knowing and appreciating what you have, shows the contentment and satisfaction of wherever you are with your life right now. I know I am!

THE KILLER INSIDE ME 2

Following certain observations from the published blog on February 23rd, there are a few things I would like to rectify.

I am not going to apologise about my comments because they are share with me amongst the people in my office. I may have gone somewhat overboard with the name calling and they are essentially not true until proven. They are merely and illusion to box a person up in a category in order to have a better understanding of them.
In any case isn’t that what human beings do in a daily basis? Try to compartmentalise others or diminish them into something they can handle.
My point being is that, this man Hannibal has diminished us for so long that I have lowered myself in a state of rage as an example of our ego’s reactive system to diminished him with my own fear.

‘But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you’ – Madonna

The real me is not irrational or would generally be name calling people in such harsh manner unless pushed to the edge, but I have used it as an example of how far our reactive capabilities can take us when we reach that state of mind. (So I shouldn’t lower myself to his standards nor should anyone lower themselves to their aggressor). In conclusion we shouldn’t react with fear or diminish others but brush off their harsh comments and their negative way of being. By removing this darkness is the only way we can see the light.

As a human being I can only be true to myself and how I feel and continue in a positive path and do my best to reduce or annihilate my ego’s negative interventions without the need to harm others with my malicious words. So when we feel the need to be reactive we should stop and see that the obstacle is the killer inside us and instead be proactive and let the sun shine in.

THE KILLER INSIDE ME

How can we ever be sure that the decisions we make are the right ones?
This is a question that ponders in my mind from time to time when I feel I have reached a cross road in my life.
For one, I know that life happens as it should do depending on the things we desire. I believe that if we desire love, then a path in the direction of love opens up for us to take and all we have to do is follow the signs in order to reach it.

But how do we know we are in that path to love I hear you ask? Well we just have to follow the signs and stop our ego blocking our view from seeing things how they are, rather than how we want to see them.

I struggle to comprehend that things happen for a reason and if the same feelings keeps reoccurring, such as anger and moodiness, it is because I have allowed my reaction to take over rather than see the potential learning curve from certain situations. If I am made to feel anger, fear or moody it’s because I have to learnt to deal and handle that situation in a positive manner rather react with a negative attitude. Why? Because reacting in such way is blocking my view from my true potential and reaching that which I desire.

I know sometimes I appear to be moody and cranky and after much contemplation I have come to understand why. I can be vulnerable and sensitive to harsh words or comments by others regardless of whether they were said in a non-harmful way and were just meant to be taken as playful teasing.
I appear to be stronger but I guess I am sensitive that way and I am slowly learning not to let other people’s comments build fear, anger or make me feel moody and I just have to shake comments off, like a duck in a pond shakes of confrontation from another duck and carries on paddling happily.
It may seem like I want to avoid confrontation, but it’s the opposite. We all know that when we are confronted with something unknown or some situation that we can’t handle we just react negatively with anger and hate, but the key is to let the aggressor know how they have made us feel rather than start a fight and walk away moody and not talk for the rest of the night.

At work we have a manager who is the biggest patronising psychopath this side of Notting Hill. I will call him Hannibal. Hannibal makes the atmosphere in our office turn sour, the air toxic, and the general moral is always low. That is his attitude and I am sure he has issues outside of work he needs to deal with, like murder, adultery and promiscuous sexual behavior.
The way he manages my co-workers and me makes us react in anger and hate towards him because of the way he approaches daily work; conning & manipulative.I can not fathom why such a person is so cold and brusque when all we require is a simple answer from him. I have felt like a silent lamb about to be chewed to the last morsel when I have asked him questions about work.
He is unapproachable like The Great Plague of 1665 but he has reached his work position because he is trusted by the Managing Director to do his job and oversee the work of the company.
So where am I going with this? I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad he is, he will never improve or change because his ego is so far up his own arse he can’t see the light of the sun no more.
Recently my colleague Patricia (not her real name) confronted Hannibal about his behaviour and how he makes us feel like shit; making example of his gestures such as placing his hands over his face in disgust as though he has just seen The Queen toddled all over his 35mm Feature print. (Though I highly think he wouldn’t give a fuck about that too). No real person would deliberately make you feel like shit, but Colin does, because he is a cunt. His reaction is to be defensive and making us the real enemy, but in actual fact the enemy is within us. That is to say the way he reacts is his own enemy and is just as bad as us reacting in irritation towards him.
My attitude has changed and rather than curling up in a ball when ever I have to talk to him, I dismiss his negative approach and let it brush past me. I understand the situation because sometimes we all need to learn to handle difficult people in our lives. This is just one arsehole that won’t ever change, so I will change instead for the better of my health and sanity.

Similarly I know I have reacted in such ways with past boyfriends, becoming needy and growing in fear of what is going to happen in the relationship; does he still like me? Will he dump me? Is this going to end? I know now that I shouldn’t react in such ways and let my mind build such thoughts and let things be just how they are meant to be, but when the other person pushes your buttons, you can’t help but think, what if. I guess we all need to deal with the reactions of our own ego, not just me.
The real enemy is within me, not outside me and until he is dealt with, the obstacle to my desire will live forever in its shadow.

FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.


Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?

IF YOU SEEK-HAMMY

The start of February brought in snow never before seen in London. I was snowed in on Monday 2nd with the whole city at a standstill. Who could believe that so much snow could make so much chaos?
Living in this city makes you wonder if we are prepared for what Mother Earth has to throw at us. I looked at my own life and asked the same question, “Am I prepared for what life has to throw at me?” Could I cope with the ‘snow’ and not be brought to a standstill?

My economic crisis continued with slight optimism and I could say that I have learned to cope and live on a budget. With the economic crisis as it is, it has become very important to watch my pocket and decided to open a savings account and reassess my credit card balance.

With some cash in my bank I venture to meet two new friends. I met Michael once Sunday afternoon for coffee at the Tate Modern. He is very hot for a 36-year-old man and to tell you the truth I’ve never considered a man in his 30s until after the guy from GLAAD in 2007. As we walked through the many modern sculptures and the spider installation I realized he had a partner whom he’d been with for several years. Damn I thought, but nonetheless I had gained a new friend who after another coffee break along the South Bank had opened up about is open relationship. He continued to tell me about how he and his husband-to-be often engaged in threesomes or ventured out on their own to spice up their relationship. Is this the modern way to maintain a healthy gay relationship? Surely if you don’t plan to have children, gay couples must come to a compromise and monogamy is a sacrifice worth taking.


The following weekend I met up with a new Kiwi Friend who is also in a relationship. It’s worth mentioning that it felt like a date more than the Gay Bingo we were attending. This however was strictly friendship I told myself. Several beers later, we ended up at a club dancing crazy to Britney beats. It was a great night out, but I realized I need to make friends with guys who didn’t have an open relationship and I was not prepared to be the third wheel in these scenarios. I’m a monogamist and even thought in gay relationships open relationships are common, it isn’t for me.

My own personal goals came into play this month. Trying to bring an event to London where people can socialize and network is hard work, especially when doors are closed in your face and people don’t want to help. This month however I got the support of the BFI London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival and I can safely say that progress is underway to make it happen. Attending the Press Launch I met a cute half-English-half-Pakistani Film director; I never go for dark types but he was unusually attractive. Not thinking much of it, I saw it as a venture to network later to learn from Facebook that he had a boy friend. I wasn’t disappointed, but it seemed that I was attracting guys who are in relationships or rather I am finding guys who are in a relationship attractive.

With the start of Lent I began to question what I needed to give up for these 40 days before Easter. It is easy to give up sweets and coffee and I think I would need to give up something that I am more dependent on that I should try to live without for the next couple of weeks. In a conversation with a friend I asked if sex is something he could give up only to answer yes. “What about masturbation?” I asked. The answer was no. Funnily enough he was prepared to give up sex with his boyfriend, which as it seems they hardly do it anyway but not masturbation? How far does a relationship have to go to stop relying on your partner for sex and opt for your right hand instead? Can masturbation be considers monogamy if you’re in a relationship?

I left my friend’s thoughts of self-exploration to make another date with the Surveyor guy I went on a couple of dates last summer. We had not met in recent months but kept in touch with the off email, text or Facebook message and lately chatting on MSN. I can’t recall the true reason that we didn’t take it further, perhaps I was not that into him (he is 30, or my mind was elsewhere to make any effort to continue dating. Given the chance and the fact that our MSN chats are very flirty filled with sexual innuendos we decided to meet up, only to be stood up due to a sudden ‘man-flu’ brought the day we were supposed to meet.
Not letting it disappoint me I made other arrangements and went out. I realized that what I needed to give up, if not for Lent but also for good, was old dates that failed to go anywhere. If nothing became of them or nothing happened I shouldn’t go back there to revive it. If it’s dead I shouldn’t be checking for a heartbeat every 5 minutes.
It’s time to seek something new…

Keeping Up With The Beckhams

It’s hard to believe that the last time I wrote on this blog was at the end of 2007! What has happened to 2008 I want to know? Did I fall into a black hole? Or did I just stick my head in the ground like an Ostrich?
Looking back at 2008 I can’t comprehend the reason or the blockages that occurred that stopped me from writing. Writer’s block is my answer although there are a few things about 2008 worth writing about.
12 months on and its 2009! And in true spirit of the New Year I will make more effort to write a monthly update for my sake and those who stumble upon this site to read my blog. By the way, feel free to leave a comment below, I’m always welcome to criticism and ways of improving my writing.

The most important thing to know is that I no longer live in New York City, although I do visit my friends who live there frequently, so this blog has a new tag line: London: My Sex and The City. I’m no Carrie Bradshaw nor do I try be like her, I just borrow from her inspirations and apply them to my own unique individuality.

So January 2009 has been eventfully boring yet filled with a new outlook and approach to my way of life. With the great excitement of New Year’s Day and waking up in the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane next to an American I thought I was onto a great start and carried on the Endorphin feeling with me for the next few days. The American had to go back to Washington D.C and it was what it was; a one night stand. But we decided to add each other on Facebook in the off chance that we might meet up again if I were to be in the US or him in the UK.

In the days that follow I seemed to be spending more time with friends that I hadn’t been able to see much of in 2008. Going to each other’s flats for a movie or dinner, going running or simply a catch up drink in town. It was surprising, maybe a New Year’s resolution, but I am adamant to keep it up for the next year and simply spend good quality time with close friends and doing things that don’t require going into an overdraft.

The thought of running out of money gave me a panic attack in the second week of January. With bills mounting up and Christmas just over, I had a fear I would not be able to pay all my bills and I had to ask my Mother for a little help. It’s hard keeping up with The Beckhams in the current world economic Credit Crunch. I can’t afford a holiday every month like they do; Thailand this month, Ski trip next month and so forth. I have to stop worrying and have since made a monthly budget of what I can and cannot spend, it is useful but it also limits me to what I can have.

The work trip to Paris was a little break in the middle of the month, after going back to work. I’m beginning to question my small role in the company and it seemed the Company as a whole was also suffering from the world economy. “If only I was a Millionaire” turned into “When I’m a Millionaire”, thinking I could somehow invest in the productivity of the Film Industry. Would the bosses accept my small offering of money to saviour their investments or am I too crazy to invest in the company I work for? I can’t help but think that they would take my money and run away with it leaving me at the desk to do the job they hired me in the first place. For now I continue to work like a crazy bitch answering distributors questions about our film catalogue. It’s a crazy life and thus live must go on.

I wasn’t short on dates, two in fact; one with a vet student and the other with a pop star wannabe. I wasn’t taken aback by neither and found it a waste of time in the end but at the same time glad to have gotten out and begun dating once again for the 2009 quota. I must keep it up.
The vet student needed to grow up a little and succumb to the offerings of Gay Soho. The other was too East London for my liking, fair enough on him as he wanted to be a musician; let's see if he makes records.

So there is January 2009 gone by, and with the New Chinese Year looming by, I can still make a resolution to begin with a clean slate. This time I have decided to continue running twice a week to meet the goal of running a Marathon, but slow steps first; The London Half Marathon is in October and is my first target. Perhaps running I can catch up to The Beckhams….

FUCK YOU MR. ANDERSON