The Importance of Being Hamilton

DEFYING THE UNDEFINED

2010-04-01T13:20:00.002+01:00

Last week I got to thinking how a relationship can be defined. When you are dating someone and you do all the general things that boyfriends do, is it safe to assume you are already boyfriends just by the activities that you do?

Reading a popular blog ‘Break the illusion’, I became aware of the importance or more so the human needs to label something or a situation. We humans can rationalised a whole lot better when we can identify the meaning of something in order to know what it is.

The fear of the unknown plays a great deal with our minds, such as new tastes, new locations and change, partly due because we do not know what to expect from these new and exciting situations. We build a barrier and create a bubble which becomes our safety zone in which all that we know around us is safe. We can happily continue to live our lives within this bubble of the known world to us, but what is there beyond?

If Christopher Columbus hadn’t followed his instinct and broken his fear of the unknown far regions of the earth and sailed across the Atlantic to discover the New World, we would never be where we are now (that can be disputed with the genocide that the Indians of the New World faced with the Spanish conquistadors).
My outlook in life has always been to break the barriers rather than live complacent with what I have (that isn’t to say that I am not happy with what I have, because it’s important to be happy with what we get and currently have) but to break the bubble, live away from a predicable routine (easier said than done) and step off the fence, in my opinion, is a better way to experience what life has to offer.

Change is good! What ever it is! So in my case I have gone from being single to not being single. At first I have been somewhat apprehensive about such move considering where previous relationships have gone. I know I am heading in a good direction but I can’t help to notice other aspect s of my life still in need of change.

The thought of labelling my relationship daunted me because I didn’t want anything to change from what it is, but when it moves like a dog, barks like a dog then it must be a dog. I know that if the relationship is to progress between me and Kiwi Boy then so must the way in which we identify with each other and the rest of the world and I mustn’t worry about what the past has brought or what the future will bring.

Defining ones relationship shows the progression of where you are with that person; be it just dating to becoming boyfriends or getting hitched or simply remaining steady.
It’s been a long while since I last called some my boyfriend and I am getting used to that idea not only in my head but also by how it sounds when I hear myself say it.

There isn’t a general rule as to how you ought to define a relationship and it has more to do with the individuals views and feelings for one another that allow a mutual progression into a ‘next step’. If it’s easy to label a situation for one’s benefit of identification then do so. I for one like to separate my clothes in my wardrobe by colour, t-shirts, jeans, sweaters etc. By knowing where everything is I can easily go in a grab what I want (it isn’t the case all the time as I can be messy during busy and stressful periods). Anyhow this just helps me identify things.

Label or no label, just knowing and appreciating what you have, shows the contentment and satisfaction of wherever you are with your life right now. I know I am!

THE KILLER INSIDE ME 2

2010-02-25T13:13:00.004Z

Following certain observations from the published blog on February 23rd, there are a few things I would like to rectify.

I am not going to apologise about my comments because they are share with me amongst the people in my office. I may have gone somewhat overboard with the name calling and they are essentially not true until proven. They are merely and illusion to box a person up in a category in order to have a better understanding of them.
In any case isn’t that what human beings do in a daily basis? Try to compartmentalise others or diminish them into something they can handle.
My point being is that, this man Hannibal has diminished us for so long that I have lowered myself in a state of rage as an example of our ego’s reactive system to diminished him with my own fear.

‘But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you’ – Madonna

The real me is not irrational or would generally be name calling people in such harsh manner unless pushed to the edge, but I have used it as an example of how far our reactive capabilities can take us when we reach that state of mind. (So I shouldn’t lower myself to his standards nor should anyone lower themselves to their aggressor). In conclusion we shouldn’t react with fear or diminish others but brush off their harsh comments and their negative way of being. By removing this darkness is the only way we can see the light.

As a human being I can only be true to myself and how I feel and continue in a positive path and do my best to reduce or annihilate my ego’s negative interventions without the need to harm others with my malicious words. So when we feel the need to be reactive we should stop and see that the obstacle is the killer inside us and instead be proactive and let the sun shine in.

THE KILLER INSIDE ME

2010-02-23T15:41:00.008Z

How can we ever be sure that the decisions we make are the right ones?
This is a question that ponders in my mind from time to time when I feel I have reached a cross road in my life.
For one, I know that life happens as it should do depending on the things we desire. I believe that if we desire love, then a path in the direction of love opens up for us to take and all we have to do is follow the signs in order to reach it.

But how do we know we are in that path to love I hear you ask? Well we just have to follow the signs and stop our ego blocking our view from seeing things how they are, rather than how we want to see them.

I struggle to comprehend that things happen for a reason and if the same feelings keeps reoccurring, such as anger and moodiness, it is because I have allowed my reaction to take over rather than see the potential learning curve from certain situations. If I am made to feel anger, fear or moody it’s because I have to learnt to deal and handle that situation in a positive manner rather react with a negative attitude. Why? Because reacting in such way is blocking my view from my true potential and reaching that which I desire.

I know sometimes I appear to be moody and cranky and after much contemplation I have come to understand why. I can be vulnerable and sensitive to harsh words or comments by others regardless of whether they were said in a non-harmful way and were just meant to be taken as playful teasing.
I appear to be stronger but I guess I am sensitive that way and I am slowly learning not to let other people’s comments build fear, anger or make me feel moody and I just have to shake comments off, like a duck in a pond shakes of confrontation from another duck and carries on paddling happily.
It may seem like I want to avoid confrontation, but it’s the opposite. We all know that when we are confronted with something unknown or some situation that we can’t handle we just react negatively with anger and hate, but the key is to let the aggressor know how they have made us feel rather than start a fight and walk away moody and not talk for the rest of the night.

At work we have a manager who is the biggest patronising psychopath this side of Notting Hill. I will call him Hannibal. Hannibal makes the atmosphere in our office turn sour, the air toxic, and the general moral is always low. That is his attitude and I am sure he has issues outside of work he needs to deal with, like murder, adultery and promiscuous sexual behavior.
The way he manages my co-workers and me makes us react in anger and hate towards him because of the way he approaches daily work; conning & manipulative.I can not fathom why such a person is so cold and brusque when all we require is a simple answer from him. I have felt like a silent lamb about to be chewed to the last morsel when I have asked him questions about work.
He is unapproachable like The Great Plague of 1665 but he has reached his work position because he is trusted by the Managing Director to do his job and oversee the work of the company.
So where am I going with this? I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad he is, he will never improve or change because his ego is so far up his own arse he can’t see the light of the sun no more.
Recently my colleague Patricia (not her real name) confronted Hannibal about his behaviour and how he makes us feel like shit; making example of his gestures such as placing his hands over his face in disgust as though he has just seen The Queen toddled all over his 35mm Feature print. (Though I highly think he wouldn’t give a fuck about that too). No real person would deliberately make you feel like shit, but Colin does, because he is a cunt. His reaction is to be defensive and making us the real enemy, but in actual fact the enemy is within us. That is to say the way he reacts is his own enemy and is just as bad as us reacting in irritation towards him.
My attitude has changed and rather than curling up in a ball when ever I have to talk to him, I dismiss his negative approach and let it brush past me. I understand the situation because sometimes we all need to learn to handle difficult people in our lives. This is just one arsehole that won’t ever change, so I will change instead for the better of my health and sanity.

Similarly I know I have reacted in such ways with past boyfriends, becoming needy and growing in fear of what is going to happen in the relationship; does he still like me? Will he dump me? Is this going to end? I know now that I shouldn’t react in such ways and let my mind build such thoughts and let things be just how they are meant to be, but when the other person pushes your buttons, you can’t help but think, what if. I guess we all need to deal with the reactions of our own ego, not just me.
The real enemy is within me, not outside me and until he is dealt with, the obstacle to my desire will live forever in its shadow.

FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

2010-01-27T18:13:00.013Z

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.

Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?

IF YOU SEEK-HAMMY

2009-02-28T17:20:00.002Z

The start of February brought in snow never before seen in London. I was snowed in on Monday 2nd with the whole city at a standstill. Who could believe that so much snow could make so much chaos?
Living in this city makes you wonder if we are prepared for what Mother Earth has to throw at us. I looked at my own life and asked the same question, “Am I prepared for what life has to throw at me?” Could I cope with the ‘snow’ and not be brought to a standstill?

My economic crisis continued with slight optimism and I could say that I have learned to cope and live on a budget. With the economic crisis as it is, it has become very important to watch my pocket and decided to open a savings account and reassess my credit card balance.

With some cash in my bank I venture to meet two new friends. I met Michael once Sunday afternoon for coffee at the Tate Modern. He is very hot for a 36-year-old man and to tell you the truth I’ve never considered a man in his 30s until after the guy from GLAAD in 2007. As we walked through the many modern sculptures and the spider installation I realized he had a partner whom he’d been with for several years. Damn I thought, but nonetheless I had gained a new friend who after another coffee break along the South Bank had opened up about is open relationship. He continued to tell me about how he and his husband-to-be often engaged in threesomes or ventured out on their own to spice up their relationship. Is this the modern way to maintain a healthy gay relationship? Surely if you don’t plan to have children, gay couples must come to a compromise and monogamy is a sacrifice worth taking.

The following weekend I met up with a new Kiwi Friend who is also in a relationship. It’s worth mentioning that it felt like a date more than the Gay Bingo we were attending. This however was strictly friendship I told myself. Several beers later, we ended up at a club dancing crazy to Britney beats. It was a great night out, but I realized I need to make friends with guys who didn’t have an open relationship and I was not prepared to be the third wheel in these scenarios. I’m a monogamist and even thought in gay relationships open relationships are common, it isn’t for me.

My own personal goals came into play this month. Trying to bring an event to London where people can socialize and network is hard work, especially when doors are closed in your face and people don’t want to help. This month however I got the support of the BFI London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival and I can safely say that progress is underway to make it happen. Attending the Press Launch I met a cute half-English-half-Pakistani Film director; I never go for dark types but he was unusually attractive. Not thinking much of it, I saw it as a venture to network later to learn from Facebook that he had a boy friend. I wasn’t disappointed, but it seemed that I was attracting guys who are in relationships or rather I am finding guys who are in a relationship attractive.

With the start of Lent I began to question what I needed to give up for these 40 days before Easter. It is easy to give up sweets and coffee and I think I would need to give up something that I am more dependent on that I should try to live without for the next couple of weeks. In a conversation with a friend I asked if sex is something he could give up only to answer yes. “What about masturbation?” I asked. The answer was no. Funnily enough he was prepared to give up sex with his boyfriend, which as it seems they hardly do it anyway but not masturbation? How far does a relationship have to go to stop relying on your partner for sex and opt for your right hand instead? Can masturbation be considers monogamy if you’re in a relationship?

I left my friend’s thoughts of self-exploration to make another date with the Surveyor guy I went on a couple of dates last summer. We had not met in recent months but kept in touch with the off email, text or Facebook message and lately chatting on MSN. I can’t recall the true reason that we didn’t take it further, perhaps I was not that into him (he is 30, or my mind was elsewhere to make any effort to continue dating. Given the chance and the fact that our MSN chats are very flirty filled with sexual innuendos we decided to meet up, only to be stood up due to a sudden ‘man-flu’ brought the day we were supposed to meet.
Not letting it disappoint me I made other arrangements and went out. I realized that what I needed to give up, if not for Lent but also for good, was old dates that failed to go anywhere. If nothing became of them or nothing happened I shouldn’t go back there to revive it. If it’s dead I shouldn’t be checking for a heartbeat every 5 minutes.
It’s time to seek something new…

Keeping Up With The Beckhams

2009-01-31T18:41:00.005Z

It’s hard to believe that the last time I wrote on this blog was at the end of 2007! What has happened to 2008 I want to know? Did I fall into a black hole? Or did I just stick my head in the ground like an Ostrich?
Looking back at 2008 I can’t comprehend the reason or the blockages that occurred that stopped me from writing. Writer’s block is my answer although there are a few things about 2008 worth writing about.
12 months on and its 2009! And in true spirit of the New Year I will make more effort to write a monthly update for my sake and those who stumble upon this site to read my blog. By the way, feel free to leave a comment below, I’m always welcome to criticism and ways of improving my writing.

The most important thing to know is that I no longer live in New York City, although I do visit my friends who live there frequently, so this blog has a new tag line: London: My Sex and The City. I’m no Carrie Bradshaw nor do I try be like her, I just borrow from her inspirations and apply them to my own unique individuality.

So January 2009 has been eventfully boring yet filled with a new outlook and approach to my way of life. With the great excitement of New Year’s Day and waking up in the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane next to an American I thought I was onto a great start and carried on the Endorphin feeling with me for the next few days. The American had to go back to Washington D.C and it was what it was; a one night stand. But we decided to add each other on Facebook in the off chance that we might meet up again if I were to be in the US or him in the UK.

In the days that follow I seemed to be spending more time with friends that I hadn’t been able to see much of in 2008. Going to each other’s flats for a movie or dinner, going running or simply a catch up drink in town. It was surprising, maybe a New Year’s resolution, but I am adamant to keep it up for the next year and simply spend good quality time with close friends and doing things that don’t require going into an overdraft.

The thought of running out of money gave me a panic attack in the second week of January. With bills mounting up and Christmas just over, I had a fear I would not be able to pay all my bills and I had to ask my Mother for a little help. It’s hard keeping up with The Beckhams in the current world economic Credit Crunch. I can’t afford a holiday every month like they do; Thailand this month, Ski trip next month and so forth. I have to stop worrying and have since made a monthly budget of what I can and cannot spend, it is useful but it also limits me to what I can have.

The work trip to Paris was a little break in the middle of the month, after going back to work. I’m beginning to question my small role in the company and it seemed the Company as a whole was also suffering from the world economy. “If only I was a Millionaire” turned into “When I’m a Millionaire”, thinking I could somehow invest in the productivity of the Film Industry. Would the bosses accept my small offering of money to saviour their investments or am I too crazy to invest in the company I work for? I can’t help but think that they would take my money and run away with it leaving me at the desk to do the job they hired me in the first place. For now I continue to work like a crazy bitch answering distributors questions about our film catalogue. It’s a crazy life and thus live must go on.

I wasn’t short on dates, two in fact; one with a vet student and the other with a pop star wannabe. I wasn’t taken aback by neither and found it a waste of time in the end but at the same time glad to have gotten out and begun dating once again for the 2009 quota. I must keep it up.
The vet student needed to grow up a little and succumb to the offerings of Gay Soho. The other was too East London for my liking, fair enough on him as he wanted to be a musician; let's see if he makes records.

So there is January 2009 gone by, and with the New Chinese Year looming by, I can still make a resolution to begin with a clean slate. This time I have decided to continue running twice a week to meet the goal of running a Marathon, but slow steps first; The London Half Marathon is in October and is my first target. Perhaps running I can catch up to The Beckhams….

2008-07-14T23:51:00.002+01:00

FUCK YOU MR. ANDERSON

2007-12-19T05:28:00.001Z

I AM SUPERMAN: FROM HIRO TO ETERNITY

The holiday season is upon New York City and everywhere I turn I see lights, decorations, Christmas music and people in good cheer.
It’s the season where people do good deeds, share and give to others. Yet somehow I feel I have been let down by certain friends amidst the holiday spirit.

I have been fortunate to turn things around for me in the last month. I now find myself in a strong employed position, where my opinions and decisions matter. Where my voiced is heard and I am trusted to co-direct small scenes for educational programs at a successful production company.
I combine this with my other day job, at a coffee shop in the lovely neighbourhood of Brooklyn Heights.

Before last month I found myself in almost despair because I was not earning money nor I was doing anything productive with my time off. Now that that gap has been filled in my life another one has now emerged. I guess we cannot always have everything at once.

It certainly has been a very interesting month from my perspective. From that Sunday night a month ago clubbing at Hiro, where for the first time this season I met a guy whom I thought was decent enough for a coffee date. I thought wrong as I was fooled by another flake that doesn’t return calls. Then I wonder if it was the Thanksgiving party I hosted where he was put off by witnessing an aggressive and confrontational me? (Which I never am by the way) If you are wondering why I happen to get confrontational that night, my only answer is that sometimes we all get a little intoxicated and demand our friends or a friend in this situation to leave, when the possibility of a positive resolution could have been the latter, rather that an unprovoked argument.

I’ve come to the conclusion that dating guys in New York City will have to wait until my living situation is resolved. I seemed to be all over the place and right now all over the city, to be able to be dating.
Dating will just be put on hold until 2008, or when the time feels right. For now, I continue to resume with getting a stable job and pursue my purpose and career goals, which in the last month have also become more apparent to me.

I continue to smile and remain as positive as I can about all the outcomes that I want from New York City. Somehow I have this strength in me where I am able to look at what everything life throws at me, all the impossible situations, all the dilemmas about whether to remain in this city or not, to my living arrangements, to job situations. I look at everything and I laugh, because when we are on the verge of showing weakness or on the moment of letting it all get to us, it is when we have to put on our best, stick out my chest and deal with life. Smile and laugh it off, because these experiences are the ones that will carry us forward and make us stronger.

I remain defiant even if I no longer have Chelsea. But from the experience, I have learnt more about real friendship and I am thankful to have amazing friends in the city, which I can turn to for help, and of course who can also turn to me for help or maybe just good old chat. I feel like superman with an iron shield that can deal with anything that is thrown at me.

The holiday season continues and the Christmas parties get abundant, I light Hanukkah candles and I feel somewhat nostalgic at the thought of not being in London this year with my family.
Yes I do get homesick and sad that I am so far away from them, but a the same time I hope they understand why I need to be here, why I am pursuing the impossible, why I am pursuing the unattainable and why I do what I do and why it is taking me an eternity to achieve it. Maybe, just maybe it won’t be an eternity but a matter of days, one can only hope.

2007-11-20T23:25:00.000Z

HAMILTON WATCH

Isn’t is a small world when you come face to face with the person from a magazine, or in this case the model from an ad campaign that bares your own name?
Well, that’s exactly what has happened, without even me knowing.

Months ago, the buses of New York carried the poster of a model advertising ‘Hamilton Wrist Watches’. I became fascinated with the poster because it bared my own name. As many of you may have by now realised, I have an obsession with my name, this doesn’t make me a narcissist, just that I like seeing it displayed in signs, posters, newspapers, labels etc, I get a kick out of it.
Hamilton Watches are very big here in America, and ever since I saw that poster I had wanted my own copy. I never got round to actually getting hold of the poster or a Hamilton Wrist Watch.

But just last month my friends B & E, introduced me to Anthony Anderson, a raw model. He isn’t raw, is just that he is very much into eating raw foods, which I am slowly learning about. There is a link to his website on the right if you want to check all about his eating discoveries and recommendations, for all you healthy eaters out there.

Soon after that I discovered he is the ‘Hamilton Wrist Watch’ Model, whose poster was on the buses in the spring. I was very surprised to come face to face with him. But I guess the universe works in mysterious ways; I didn’t get the poster or the watch, but I got the model that was in the poster for the watch as a friend.

2007-11-03T17:44:00.000Z

SATISFACTION IS PERFECTION 2: THE NEXT BEST THING

Why is it that we want what we can’t have? And we never seem to be satisfied with what we’ve already got?
It’s a dilemma of two halves, that never seems to answer itself, but most importantly, the answer to what we need and want is right in front of us.

I find myself back in the Big Apple and I questioning needs and wants versus what I’ve already got and I must say that I find it problematic trying to be satisfied with what I’ve got, because I haven’t got what I want, but what I want is not exactly what I need and what I need is not really what I want. So I settle for what I have anyways.

There comes a point in people’s lives when they seem to have it all and it doesn’t satisfy them enough, because they are always wanting more. And then there are people that have nothing at all and struggle to attain what they want.
I find myself in between both these categories and it is fair to say that most human beings are always looking for ‘the next best thing’.

For a person that to the outside world seems to have it all and can have what ever I want, I seem to draw a false image because in reality nothing is what is seems. I don’t seem to be there nor am I here. Only if you really know me, will you get to know what my life is all about. I don’t know where I am. I’m always in two places and my belongings are mostly in storage throughout the year because I seem to have difficulty settling in one place and have I difficulty making up my mind in which city I’d rather be; London or New York?

I’m torn between two cities that offer what I want, both come with their ups and downs and I wish I could live one city that offers ‘the best of both’; London and New York. If there were a place on earth that offers such qualities I’d move there right away; maybe Los Angeles is my “best next thing?”

At the same time, I question what I have, even though I am satisfied with it, I can’t help but think, is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Obviously it can’t be, but what if this is it? What if living in New York City is taken away? Well I guess I must jump on the wagon and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts, because I don’t know when I’ll be able to ride this rollercoaster again.

I’m forced to be satisfied and satisfaction is hard to achieve because I’m always seeking perfection, knowing that perfection can never really achieved.
Life is not perfect but I’m content with what I have with the knowledge that I will have what I want and need at the same time or at least until ‘the next best thing’ comes and crosses my path. So it goes without saying that satisfaction is perfection.

Life happens and whichever ways situations are thrown at us, whatever bumps on the roads happen and difficult dilemmas present themselves on us, we must deal with them with positively. We must pick ourselves up from the ground when life hits us down and we must do it with a sense of pride and satisfaction because life is like that, giving us things and taking them away again. In reality we already have what we need and could ever want in front of us, we just need to open our eyes and see the reality for what it really is.

2007-11-03T02:21:00.000Z

SATISFACTION IS PERPECTION

In a world where things are hard to come by we struggle to become satisfied with what we surround our selves with.
It may seem a little selfish that sometimes the things we want the most, we do not have and yet we are not satisfied with what we have because the things or people around us even events that occur do not hold the attributes that would modestly satisfy us all.

In the past week since my return to New York after an eventful-less summer in London, I craved the sounds, smells and city life and yet I was mesmerised because I even began to question my own reasoning, my own actions and my own surroundings.
Was this what I had longed for? Is this what I’ve been wanting all along?

Living in the city is tough shit, proving yourself is a lot of work, learning to be satisfied the little that we have is unfathomable.
If the apartment in which we live in, the job that we have, the clothes that we wear are not the things we want then tough shit too. We have to learn to be satisfied with what we already have, which will prove a great benefit for what ever it is that we will receive in the future.

I’ve learnt to be satisfied with what I have, but not complacent, there is a big different. Satisfaction comes from learning that the little or nothing that we have will ‘just do’ for the time being, where as complacent will mean ‘giving in’ to what we have and nothing else because that’s ‘just is’.

Because something is ‘just is’ doesn’t mean it’s not going to change. If we live in a run down apartment that is about to fall down, do we either run a mile or be complacent because that ‘just is’ what we have? Well the answer is neither. We learn to be satisfied with our 250sq ft apartment and make it a home. It is more to do with gratefulness that there is a roof over our heads than nothing else. Obviously we live there knowingly that this wont last for long, because there are better things ahead.

Sometimes I seek perfectionism in even the smallest of details that I once thought I was OCD. I believed that everything had to be of a certain way, that things needed to be planned. But with pure perfectionism doesn’t truly exist, the more we strive to achieve perfectionism, the more we get of the opposite.

Certain situations are out of our reach and control; it is impossible to control everything around us. We just have to learn to be satisfied with the way things have gone, learn to have no regrets about the way things have happened, because they usually work out in the end, and most of all they tend to work better in the end even if at the time they seem not to be going your way.

So if you are planning a holiday, leave the small details out. Chances are things wont happen the way you want them to go, but come the end of the holiday, things would have worked out.
I recently spent a week in Miami, and as OCD as I can be about controlling situations and events, the smallest of details didn’t occur, as I would have hoped. But in general I was satisfied and pleased that things worked out. I needn’t have worried if at the time things weren’t stirring in the direction I wanted them to because I ended up having a great time overall.

So now that I’m in a new quest or more like my last quest in New York City for a new opportunity, I am satisfied with the way things are, even if right now they aren’t, as I would want them. Chances are that things are working out, as they do; things have a magic way of working out in the end, for the better of course. So I choose to be satisfied with what I have and the way things are going, because it is as near as perfection as I am.

2007-10-01T13:31:00.000+01:00

REAL HAMILTON

It’s been Five months since I was due to write a blog. Just before May 15th I suddenly stopped without giving reason.
Looking back at the last three months I can see the events that lead to my ‘writer’s block’, if one can call it that.

But you don’t need to be filled in with those boring details. None the less the last five months have seen me march with GLAAD at New York’s Gay Pride, as well as volunteering for other smaller events for them.

I’ve also been for Fire Island, which I’ve wanted to do since I learnt about it last year. I spent an amazing weekend in The Hamptons, something I’ve been meaning to do also. I’ve gone from Go-Go dancing at Bowie Ball to Animal spotting at Bronx Zoo and rollercoaster riding in Coney Island.

Apart from that, I’ve managed to make an amazing bunch of new friends that have led to countless drunken nights in Hell’s Kitchen and the East Village.

Now I find myself back In London, my hometown. I somehow feel like I’ve come full circle, because I’ve started to realize what can be attainable and what can’t. I’m not saying that I’ve given up on the dream to leave in America, but that I’ve managed to see things clearly.
Sometimes limitations are imposed on us, or unforeseen events occur that make us stop in our walks through this marvellous life and force us to see beyond the cracks on the pavement.

I guess my summer in London has forced me to reassess my situation, circumstances, needs and wants and most importantly question my motives for wanting to be in America.
The more time I spend here, the more I see that London offers the same collective ‘resources’ that New York City does. Saying so, should I question the need to be in New York all together? The same shops that are in New York I can now find in London if I look real close, the lifestyle is somewhat similar; bars, clubs and cafes offer the same entertainment. Only though that transport doesn’t run all night.

The only thing is perhaps that I don’t have the same freedom as I do in New York. Perhaps that would change if I didn’t have to live at home, under family comforts, and I were to lived in a place of my own here in London. That way I wouldn’t have to live under a restrain of curfews timed outings and have to answer to family meals each night. Maybe then, by living in London and not at home, I can have the same lifestyle that I have in New York.

But should I see America as the ultimate milestone? Crossing the last frontier? The opportunity for success? Or maybe I’ve been sold the wrong American dream?
I guess the Media, society itself and other factors have made America as the only place where you can really make it, succeed and achieve all your dreams. As the saying goes “If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere”. Really? I don’t think so.

Perhaps there is bigger investment, more investors and the opportunity to make more money. I now believe that you don’t have to be in New York, Los Angeles or anywhere in America to be successful. I believe that if you really want to “make it”, you can do it anywhere in the world you choose to be.

Life is not perfect and has no guarantees of anything, so I’ll just keep on going the way I am and let the rest take its course. That is why, I am not complacent anymore, and I guess I’m not limiting myself to just being in New York or London for that matter. I have no regrets, I guess I can live on and know in my conscience that at least I tried to be in a place that I thought could offer something that I wanted; now I see that there are no limitations to that. I have to be real, and take it day by day. I have to be real Hamilton.

**Check for weekly updates**

2007-05-08T19:59:00.000+01:00

READY TO MAKE NICE

Earlier this week I got to thinking about a question resonating in my mind: How long does it take to know we’ve moved on from a previous relationship and understand that there no longer exists any sort of resentment, awkwardness or emotional tendencies?

I asked my self this and somehow knew that I had come up with the answer unknowingly. Its something that happens overtime when you are not looking.

Last Monday night out with a couple of friends at the ‘Bar On A’ after a cheap meal deal at the ‘Sun Burnt Cow’, which is fast becoming a customary outing on Monday nights, I was surprised to see Mr G.
I found it unusual to find him there, as its not a bar he’d frequent. Then again I’d seen him the previous week for lunch and on the Saturday night for a friends birthday party so I knew that we were on good terms.
(We’d somehow sidetracked since our break-up and only saw each other twice in the last two months)

What made it more unusual was that he was with someone else at the other side of the bar. I didn’t think anything of it until I asked the friend I was with, who’d spoken to him, if Mr G was on a date. Was I meant to feel bad? I didn’t know. I didn’t feel awkward or anything, I knew that situations like this would present themselves; it’s inevitable to go through life not running into an ex and his new lover. It has happened in the past with previous boyfriends, so I didn’t think anything of it.

It only became awkward when after a brief ‘hello and goodbye’ he returned to the corner of the bar where he’d been sitting and later move twice again. Did he ridicule himself by hiding and pretending he wasn’t with somebody? I appreciate the thought of not wanting to make me feel upset, but what became more upsetting was hiding the fact that he was with someone and making it like he wasn’t.
It is a free country and I was genuinely happy that he was dating again. For sure I had been on a couple of ‘dates’ with other people too and it seem natural to want to date again.

We discussed the incident at lunch the day after. Establishing a mutual ground on which we could both be better friends rather than feel ‘awkwardness’ is perhaps the best step forward. I rather have the friendship than live with the anxiety of running into an ex and his new lover unexpectedly. Living in New York can be very hard and the few friends that I’ve made so far, I’ve gotten to value a lot. Mr G was my best friend and I wish it to remain so even though we are no longer together. Forgetting the reasons for the break-up and looking at our friendship from a different perspective, one where we can share, confide and rely on is the new way to go.

Over the years I’ve come to terms with break-ups and I believe I am in a much better knowledgeable position to acquire a positive ‘move-on’ from a relationship that has come to an end. I’d rather have and ex or an enemy as a friend than be living in the past with a grudge or wondering about the misfortunes of the possible ‘could-have-been’ or let it escalate to jealousy and envy over an ex’s new partner. That is not the way I want to live. We already live in a world filled with hatred and anger and resentment.
I am only harming myself (and we harm ourselves) from keeping a grudge and focusing on the bad of others. I’m ready to make nice with my past. In saying so. I am not my past.

I’ve come to a point where, I’d rather forgive and forget and be able to get on with my life. To some it may no sound easy, but it is. Life it self is short enough and once you get older it accelerates at a rapid pace that sometimes leaves me wondering, “where did those days go?”. I don’t have regrets and sometimes it is good to make mistakes, because it allows us to get back up on our feet and assess the situation. Life happens and there is no use bickering on the un-importance of not being.

I’m ready to make nice and I won’t back down.

NEXT BLOG: MAY 15th.

2007-05-01T16:33:00.000+01:00

STILL HAMILTON, STILL HAMMY FROM THE BLOCK

On my arrival back to New York from London, for what seems to be the fourth re-entry into the USA. I began to have doubts of my own actions. I felt homesick and for the first time in a long while I wanted to throw the towel in and fly back home.
I miss my family and I miss my friends and I without them New York is not the same.

It is too late to back down now. So I keep a positive focus that these ‘homesick’ feelings will pass. I must remain focused also on my goals and what I want to achieve.

While in London, my friends brought to light the thought the thought that I was becoming ‘all American’; my accent hinted an Americanism.
Yes I may have picked up some words that are said different from British English to the American English. ‘The Tube’ has become ‘Subway’, ‘Washing’ has become ‘Laundry and sometimes I mistakenly say ‘Pounds’ when I should be saying ‘Dollars’ and vice versa. But I defended that I was loosing my accent or even loosing myself.
“I’m still Hamilton”. I haven’t changed. Maybe I’ve grown up a little, become a whole lot more independent that has allowed me to be, well me.

I feel that in some ways I’ve become a lot closer to my friends in London, even though we’re now in different countries. Why? Perhaps the need to remain and keep in touch, I value my friends a lot. Communication via email and ‘Facebook’ is greater now that I am in New York then when I was living in London.

It is their positive encouragement and support and knowing that I have friends who I can see when I travel back home that pushes me.
I would love to be in London right now and be in the company of friends and family but knowing that I have their encouragement does enough to keep me wanting to strive for more here in New York.

I know that my career will take me to Producing and Directing in due course, as will the careers of my friends, will take them where they want to be; everyone’s got to make a living.
Amongst all our pursuits of conquering the world, it’s important to remember where we came from. No matter where I go, I still know where I came from and I know who my real friends are and I know on whom to rely on the most.

Don’t be fooled by my accent changing, don’t be fooled by my Kabbalah, the celebrity parties I attend, the places where I go, the air miles I cover between London and New York, the trainers that I wear. I used to have a little now I have a lot (!) I given up a lot to value the little that I have. It may not seem much but the amounts are starting to roll in and no matter where I go, I’m still HAMMY FROM THE BLOCK.

Next Blog: May 8th.

2007-04-24T15:35:00.000+01:00

THE DAYS AND LIVES OF ALL MY GAY CHILDREN

It’s time to add some excitement, drama, pizzazz, controversy, chaos and sex in the London city.
Names and Places of the stories of my friends have been changed to protect their identity.

Toby is a twenty-something gay male. He has been a friend of mine for a very long time. He briefly dated Anton a couple of years ago. That all went smoothly for a couple of months until Anton decided he only wanted friendship.
Then came Ralph, who lasted for a couple of years. Toby was so smitten by Ralph. That’s until complications in the relationship happen and they both cheated on each other. Ralph fell love with a previous Internet hook-up and left Toby all shaken and heart broken. Months after Ralph saw what he was missing and wanted Toby back. But Toby was having none of it. He was already involving himself with John, who was Tom’s boyfriend. Tom was always spending time in the other side of the world and Toby didn’t see that all John wanted was a brief fling while his boyfriend spent time abroad. Things slowly developed and they both grew emotions towards each other. John was indecisive, he new Toby was far better in bed than John ever was. But John and Tom had a history together. Toby being a nice guy that he is, left it as it was and moved on before they could fall in love, there was no use, he didn’t want John to leave his boyfriend just for him. A couple of months after Toby met a cute guy called Steven; he was all nice and charming, until Steven began changing and Toby saw through it. Lets just say that Steven wasn’t big enough to compliment Toby and soon the affection along with the sex dried out, but they remain friends still. Toby is also friends with Guy, who I also know, who apparently also know Steven’s other ex. Guy recently had the courage to meet up with his love interest from the Internet.

Andy is somewhat of a different story. His love interests come and go, I don’t know how he is unable to maintain a proper relationship. His current interest is a builder from East London, but he is far too loud when he gets drunk. He recently refused an offer from an older gentleman too. His past boyfriends leave nothing to be desired. He previously dated someone who also had a boyfriend. Due to consequences Tommy didn’t want to leave Chris as they both shared a flat and if Tommy left Chris, this would leave him homeless. Now Chris is back in his life wanting a proper relationship as he has managed to shake off Tommy. Andy is no stranger to younger or older men and confessed to have dated both. (Within the legal age that is). I don’t know how he manages to find boyfriends who are confused and unsure of what they want.
Small world is when Andy dated Bobby for a couple of times. Turns out that Bobby had also dated someone Toby had previously dated and that some one also dated someone who previously dated Andy. Is that too confusing? Andy was briefly interested in Toby; they’ve both pulled Kyle. (Not at the same time but on different dates without either of them knowing). Now Andy is interested in someone linked to another friend of mine, Lucas. He knows the builder and his roommate some how too.

Lucas has a boyfriend of over a year. It amazes me how much trust they both have for each other considering that Lucas spends his time chatting other boys up. How does Thomas put up with it? I don’t know and I daren’t ask. He has confessed on pulling other guys in clubs while Thomas remains at home. I’m sure that Lucas and Thomas could be together for a long time but is flirting with other guys while you have a boyfriend acceptable? Or does it depend on how far it goes?

They should take a leave out of James’ leave, another friend of mine; currently single and no stranger to boyfriend drama. Perhaps he holds a certain patience that I admire. A couple of years ago he dated a minor celebrity of a show in England. While it all felt good in the beginning, it escalated to the same turmoil Toby faced with Steven. The sex became dry as the Sahara Desert. Like both relationships the passion was fading, the attention for one another reached a low point that there was almost no affection.
When a relationship gets this way, is it best to quit while you are ahead before further resentment builds?

On the other side of the world I have two friends who face similar problems and questions. Nigel is a tall good-looking black guy who works for a law firm. He is dating a white girl, Miranda. Now there seems to be some racial divide, as Miranda feels unaccepted into Nigel’s African culture. His parents would have wanted him to marry a nice black African woman with the same values and same religious views. Miranda is torn that Nigel’s mother could not accept her for who she truly is. Its not about giving up her own culture but about showing Nigel’s parents that she truly loves him for who he is.

Mike is torn with a religious divide too. He is trying to persuade his girlfriend that they should bring up their children with his own religious views. Ultimately Susan, his girlfriend, wants their children to have both hers and his religious upbringing. Mike can be somewhat over controlling and sometimes too possessive towards Susan, controlling where she goes out and whom she sees. Could someone spend the rest of his or her lives with someone like this?

My advice to my friends:

Relationships are hard and we have to continue making them work even two years into it. Yes the first month feels like a honeymoon and wonderful and its up to you to continue making it like so and keep the sex up too. Don’t let the fire die out. Find new ways to bring interest into the relationship. You both as a couple have to have a passion for life, not necessarily the same interests but something that says that you could both spend the rest of your lives together.

Avoid flirtatious banter from other hopefuls. Yes the grass on the other side may seem greener, but you can make your own side just as green by using a good fertilizer. See your partner’s true potential rather than their negative points. Focus on the positive aspects a couple can bring into a relationship.

I’ve began to notice that the gay community is a small one, and sometimes we’ll run into some one who has dated someone we know or we have previously have dated ourselves. Where this is perfectly normal, try not to make a big deal out of it, or by trying to compare how the previous relationship was and the reasons for the break-up.
Try to get ‘closure’ from your previous relationship. If possible make friends with your Ex. Give it some time, if there is still some resentment because of the reasons you broke-up. Getting closure is meeting your Ex a period of time afterwards and know that you no longer have “those feelings” towards him. I recently met up with an Ex and had dinner with his new boyfriend. I thought I would feel weird seeing them both, but I was perfectly normal, his new boyfriend was very nice and I’m glad I can call them friends now.
Rather than allow a relationship to escalate to dangerous heights, if you have doubt bring it up, resolve as best possible any thoughts that you may have in your mind.
If you suspect and find that your boyfriend is chatting to other guys in the Internet from ‘gaydar.co.uk, gay.com, and manhunt.net’ and all those other sites, then there is some cause for concern. I wouldn’t recommend dating guys from those sites at present, now that I know better. Where they are good to make friends, who is going to find Love on a website all about wanting to fuck?
I know sometimes we feel like we should keep the field open and carry on pulling or chatting to other guys just in case of a break-up, but ultimately that’s not proper. Yes I did once discover that my boyfriend, now an Ex, was chatting to countless amounts of men and posting pictures of himself on the Internet. It was hurtful, but now I know better. Whatever happen to making friends and having relationships the old fashion way? Remember when there was no Internet or glory holes? The city is filled with millions of people, so there shouldn’t be a need to be on one’s ass on a computer. Go out there and explore what is on offer.

It’s sometimes difficult to judge how we’ll be taken in with our partner’s friends or his or her family. Remember that when you embark on a new relationship to leave room for your old friends who have been there since time began. You may make friends with your new partner’s friends but also remember your old ones.
Family can sometimes be a little tricky. First you have you have to establish the grounds of your own relationship and make it your own. Accept each other for who both of you can be. Yes there will always be doubts, but you have to be sure in your mind first. Family will always prove difficult, just as long as you prove that you both can be happy and there is no way of changing your mind, parents will come to see sense in their children’s own future happiness.

I’m not a relationship expert, but I’ve had a few tumbles in the past that has let me to grow and know better and give me a fuller understanding about dating. I always learn something new. I also learn a lot from my friends and I’m always happy to be here for them and share on some advice.

Look out for the next Blog: April 30th
STILL HAMMY FROM THE BLOCK, STILL HAMILTON

2007-04-12T13:43:00.000+01:00

TRADITIONAL LDN

I had a writer’s block. I didn’t know what to write about. It must’ve been the flu I caught on the eve of my trip to London town that left me somewhat paralysed to say the least. I found myself in bed for the first few days on my arrival here and only this week began to go out and see old friends, much to the realization that I have less than two weeks left in my hometown.

The flight it self I must talk about. Last time I flew British Airways I was adamant that I wouldn’t fly with the carrier again. That was Christmas time and on booking my Easter break I found my self, buying a BA ticket again, I must’ve been crazy, but it was cheap flight and I thought that maybe this time round things would be better. I reminded myself to fly Virgin Atlantic next time; their in-flight service is of better quality, their timing is impeccable; their planes have more legroom and are far more comfortable.
When I flew New York to London back in December, the flight was appalling; it was delayed for two hours, during take off it was delayed another hour, we had to fly above London airspace several times due to congestion on the landing runway. To add to the wait, we were taxied for a further half-hour until a gate became available and we were able to step out of the plane. Once at the baggage reclaim hall there were more delays as the conveyer belt was malfunctioning and there had been strikes buy baggage handlers over pay, so in all, that entire trip lasted 10 hours compared to the normal 7-hour flight.

This time round I thought things would be different, or so I thought. The plane headed to the runway on time, but once there, there was a queue of about ten other planes wanting to take off. Why does everyone want to leave New York so badly?
So the wait took an hour until the actual take-off. To further add to the delay we had to fly over London yet again due to a queue of planes wanting to land, it seems that everyone wants to come to London? And as expected in the baggage hall, it took a further 20 minutes for the conveyer belt to start and I was allowed pick up my suitcases and make my way into my hometown. I’ll defiantly fly Virgin next time.

Hometown. Its weird I’ve spent the last seven months making New York City my new home that as soon as I arrive back in London from being away for so long, everything feels strangely unfamiliar.
London has become my home away from home. I arrived to a new house my family purchased while I have been in New York venturing a new career. I found myself without “my room” and feel more of a guest living out of my suitcase clothes.
Most of “my stuff” which happens to be stored up in the ‘loft’ is lot to my mother’s standards. OK is about ten boxes full of books from University and various other stuff, such as DVDs and VHS Tapes, most of which I’ve given away to charity. I question the keep of old memorabilia that reminds me of the past and have decided to throw away cards and little things one keeps when you are in a relationship. Why hold on to those things when you know you wont go back there? The rest will be there, and remain in boxes until I decided to live back in London. I still haven’t decided on that yet. Maybe I’ll be like Madonna and those international stars and live between London and New York. Hold on, I think I’m doing that anyway.

A lot changes when one is away. The roads change, new buildings are going up, new bank notes are being introduced, new artists are on the charts, friends are dating someone new, babies grow a considerable amount, even the weather is warmer than usual. I wonder what will change in New York during these three weeks that I am away from it?

I do feel slightly nostalgic that I am missing it all; seeing my niece grow up, being away from close friends, being away from family. But something tells me that all the sacrifices of giving ‘things’ up will pay in the end. I have even handed over my car, a Fiat Punto, which was my 21st birthday present from my mother, away to my older brother. In order to make way for the new, we must part away from the old, that’s my motto. And when will I be in receipt of the new I ask myself. I don’t know. I seem to be in a long waiting list for new things. I’m being awfully patient.

The Easter came and went, much unlike it has in the past. There seems to be gradually less Easter eggs this year, in fact none at all! Why was this? We didn’t even go to church this year. Why are we becoming less concerned with keeping up with tradition and more on keeping up fashion trends and celebrity gossip?

Easter Sunday my family and I attended a gathering of Colombians for what seem to be a ‘lunch do’. I thought it would be just that, Sunday Lunch.
I found myself in Neasden, North London overlooking the brand new Wembley Stadium. Something ironic came to my head. Is this what is like for Colombian’s living in Flushing, Queens overlooking the Shea Stadium?
I don’t know, I seem to be out of touch with the Colombian community as a whole that I only experience it at home, but then again, my family isn’t very Colombian either. I guess our culture is a mixture between some Colombian and British traditions.
When I experience the company of full Colombians, I look at them and question why they are like so, because certainly I am not like them. Colombians tend to be loud mouth, enjoy their loud salsa music and dance, enjoy their women, and eat traditional Colombian food and be very much Latin.
Actually the food on the menu on Sunday was far from Colombian either. It was middle-eastern cuisine. A huge lamb had been placed in the middle of the table; salsa music was playing loud as it could go, where had the out cultural traditions gone?

We seem to be living in a new age, where we can integrate ourselves in a new country and bring our old customs with us and also embrace those of our new “home”.
I think that’s what I’m doing in New York too. Embracing the City for what it its, and at the same time reminding myself of where I’m from. But that’s it; I don’t know where I’m from. Am I just British or am I just Colombian? I feel like I am both. I feel like I hold cultural traditions from both, but sometimes it’s easier to say to people “I’m from London” rather than “I’m Colombian”.

I remember when I was younger and going to school for the first time, people would ask me where I was from and when I said ‘Colombia’, they’d instantly make remarks to ‘Pablo Escobar, a famous drug baron and trafficker of ‘cocaine’.
I felt ashamed of being associated with everything that was bad from that country because other kids use to make fun of me for being Colombian and ask me if I had any coke among other taunts.
It seems Colombia has a taken a turn over the last few years; kidnappings and murders have gone down considerably that the Ministry for Tourism have launched a $5million campaign to promote tourism again. Check out this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyFXVslYYzI

Still I wouldn’t change London for Colombia. This is where I’ve done most of my growing up and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else (Apart from New York that is), not that I still feel ashamed of being Colombian, far from it now.
I love walking through the streets of both London and New York and find their similarities, and differences. They are both great cosmopolitan cities offering cultural diversion and work prosperity. It seems I’ve gone full circle; from South America to Great Britain and back to North America. I’m having the time of my life living between both LDN and NYC, like Madonna and the rest of those international celebrities.

Next Blog: April 16th (Or there abouts)

2007-04-01T19:14:00.000+01:00

CALLING ALL CELEBRITIES

I understand this post is somewhat late than anticipated, but hey it has been a busy week for me and I’ve had a soar throat for the last couple of days that has left me unable to speak for some of the time. Only yesterday did it worsen and threw me into a feverish state that all I could do was just sleep in and rest. All that sleep did some good as I know find myself able to write. So I've been on my death bed for last couple of days. As soon as I touch down in London town I will complete this Blog!

Hamilton

********************************************************************************

Monday started with a quick shoot of documentary Cinematographer and Director Kevin Keating. This was a somewhat simple interview for which I did sound. Slowly learning the ways of filmmaking.

Monday night was probably the most exciting night I’ve had in a long while. Partly because of the number of celebrities attending this event. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I had volunteered for GLAAD; reason being was because I wanted to do something within the community and help people and give up some of my hours and generally get some volunteer credits.
I was assigned the position of ‘Celebrity Escort’, a position only given to those who have volunteered for a couple of years. This was my first time volunteering and I felt privileged that I was giving the role. I felt the excitement of interacting with celebrities, but at the same time reminded my self of previous times that I’ve had the chance to hang out with celebrities, that they are real people like you and me.

With little time for induction I dived into my position, I was given a radio and folder with information about my two celebrities, I acquainted myself with their personal profile, finding out they were two soap stars from ‘All My Children’: Jeffrey Clarkson and Eden Reigel who have one of the most controversial storylines ever produced by that show.
I didn’t know who they were until that night, but I found one of them plays a transgender male to female and the other a lesbian. You can work out who plays whom.

My job was very simple; all I had to do was escort them from their car to the red carpet to the VIP bar then to their table. During the show I would come and pick them up and take them backstage to get ready for them to present. Everything was timed to a schedule and I had to get my two celebrities on call ready back-stage at the call of their name on the walkie-talkie. On the process of all that I shared and elevator with Rosie O’Donnell and her wife Kelly, this was as I took Jeffrey and Eden to their table, all of us, including publicist, cramped inside one of the Marriot Marquis glass elevators. As we stepped out I said “Nice to meet you Rosie” and she replied “Nice to meet you too”. She was as friendly as she seems on her show “The View” and as outspoken as she can be.

On a far table I spotted the two ‘James’ from the movie ‘Shortbus’; Paul Dawson and PJ DeBoy. They were very friendly and surprisingly short and I found it strange talking to them at the same eye level as me. On the movie they looked much taller and broader at the shoulders, but I found both to be the same height as me. We had a small chat about how I loved the movie and how I’d seen their co-actor Jay Brannan, perform his acoustic music a couple of weeks ago. All three of them have one of the best scenes in the movie that ends with the American National Anthem being sang into Jay’s ass.

The night went on without a hitch. That was until some random drunk person, who turned out to be a ‘big donor’, spotted me. He was unhappy with where he’d been seated, he was unable to get a drink and I was all of the sudden meant to solve all his problems. I was put on the spot. I radioed my team leader for back up. No answer. I tried to be as friendly as I could, pointing out that there was free wine on the table. This guy wanted hard liqueur. I suggested he sat down and that I would send someone to his table to sort his troubles and maybe ignoring it all I wouldn’t see him again and he’d forget about his complaint.

The biggest part of the awards came towards the end of the night. Escorting Jeffrey and Eden back to their table after they had presented, we run into Jennifer Hudson backstage. None of us say a word. We just take this moment in to breathe in the same air as this Academy Award Winner and stare in awe.
Jennifer went on to present Patti Labelle with Excellence in Media Award, for which turned out to be a pivoting point in both these women’s careers; one’s career just starting out the other receiving a ‘lifetime achievement’.
I almost cried, hold on I had a tear in my eye. For a moment everyone was lost because we didn’t know if Patti was the one giving Hudson the award, she gave a big speech about Hudson and her Oscar blah blah even called Hudson a bitch if she were to turn all Hollywood. "Beyonce who?” Lets just say it ended with both of them singing an acoustic version of "Nobody knows but Jesus" or something like it. (Hudson’s voice filled the whole 45 floors of the Marriott Marquis on Times Square).
This was a thrilling experience, the moment were two black women, compared themselves to gay men! (You can catch it on LOGO later this month when it gets aired)

The night ended with an after party. One party I was grateful not to be kicked out. Last time I made my way into a celebrity after party and was kicked out, was while working at Alexandra Palace for the ‘UK Music Hall of Fame’, I had the wrong pass. I had borrowed the pass from a co-worker who wasn’t staying and I decided to for him go and enjoy the free drinks (my pass was only limited to the catering side). On deciding to go the gent’s room after the consumption of too much liquid I had to go out of the room and pass security again. I didn’t know if I should risk it again. “What the heck I thought”.
Wrong idea, the security guard questioned my pass and asked me to leave the party right away. Then him and a second security guard took me by the shouldes to my managers office “I have ‘Tariq’ here, he was in the after party with the wrong pass” said the security guard. “Tariq?” my manager said as he looked at me not saying anything else, for his look could say I was not ‘Tariq’. It was already late and I had just been thrown out of a celebrity party for having the wrong access pass with the wrong name! It was short lived and I knew there would be more events and after parties, so I wasn’t all hung up on that event back then.

After the GLAAD after party I joined my cute team leader and a couple of others for a drink in near by ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ to celebrate the success of the night. The team leader and I got very chatty and didn’t realise it so until the lights of the bar were turned on and it was closing time. I looked at my watch and saw that it was 4am; I needed to be at work at 11am!

The week followed in similar suit. I recovered on Tuesday and Wednesday. By Thursday I had been invited to three separate events. This was when I began to fall ill. My soar throat began, but I didn’t think much of it and went out anyway. I joined co-workers for a ‘crew’ reunion in a near bar. I stayed long enough to introduce myself to previous employees and freelancers who worked on the documentary ‘Shut up and Sing’. I knew that these would be people whom I’d see again at some point of my career again, maybe when the time came and I needed help putting my own documentary together.

The second event of that night was a small concert by ‘Lisa Palleschi’ at The Bitter End on Bleecker Street, for which my friend Charlie, who is her PR, had invited me to. My favourite song was 'A New Beginning', because it talks about being at a place where I am right now 'on the edge of a new beginning', and I feel New York is my new begining and I'm spreading out my wings to fly and venture out.
After this social event and questioning a musical documentary on Lisa, we made our way to Keno41 in Midtown Manhattan. A much recently discovered Thursday night party for those who’s Friday fall on a Thursday. My throat was bad. I could hardly speak and I didn’t want to force my voice or myself. I stayed long enough to spot the punks who thought it was still 1993 and Michael Musto, the Village Voice Columnist.

By the weekend I was dying. My soar throat hard turn into a flu and I was looking so rough. I almost wish I hadn’t met up with my team leader from GLAAD for dinner, who knows what he must’ve thought on Friday night? I made it through the weekend by staying in bed most of the time. But I needed to make my way. Make my way home and here I am, still recovering, London has called me once again.

Next Blog: April 8th (or there abouts)

2007-03-25T19:20:00.000+01:00

TAKING THE LONG WAY

**My friends from High School marry their High School Boyfriends**

This week I learned that an old friend from Secondary School was getting married this July in Dublin, this closely followed news from another friend, Shari in London, that she’d been recently proposed to and had accepted her suitor’s offer.
To further add to the marriage commotion, one of my best friends who lives in Belgium, was inquiring about music bands to play at her own wedding in four years time. Talk about taking it slow.

It had begun. I can’t help but feel nostalgic upon learning that close friends my age or people I know or barely know begin to marry their sweethearts. There comes a point when we realize that we need to start growing up and that we should begin to take life perhaps more seriously by settling or by settling down.

I began to imagine my settled life and didn’t quite get the vision I was hoping for. Maybe someday I’ll settle down with someone. I really can’t say how this would work in the future. However, I do know that there is someone out there for me. Depending on how I style my hair, either curled or straight, there are days when I like the idea of being attached to that someone special. But then again I get sceptical and frightened; like I’m sure many other people out there do, who ask themselves, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life?”

It’s a tough decision to make, and we should also be aware that we don’t necessarily have to be attached to them all the time. That happiness doesn’t ultimately come from a wedding and a baby and a house in the suburbs. Our own happiness is not dependant on other people or material things, although they alter that ‘happy effect’.
Many people think that married life is the end of it all, that you are suddenly cut of from the rest of the world. But it doesn’t have to be like that. We each make our life how we want it to be. I’m sure a marriage will work just as well in a city under whatever circumstances, like it would by settling down in the suburbs.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, we shouldn’t be put off settling down, to welcome that opportunity when it comes to us, other wise it will be lost forever, but to do it our own way, even if it’s the long way.

**I met the Queen of whatever, drank with the Irish spoke with the hippies, moved with the Shakers, wouldn’t kiss all the asses that they told me to**

I did meet the Queen of England once, only from afar at Royal Ascot (Horse Races).
I have worked at a Palace before, not a royal one unfortunately, where I worked my ass off, but didn’t kiss anybody’s ass. Most of the jobs I’ve had have been demanding on my part. Mainly being a bitch for people and doing what is asked. I guess that is how one starts off. To make our way up we must start at the bottom, its only logical and the way we learn.

Since arriving in New York, this has been so. It’s a sacrifice I was willing to put up with if I’m going to get where I want to be.

I have drunk with the Irish, and they can hold their drink. I’m slowly learning to hold my drink too and make it to work the following day after being out the previous night until 4am and have no hang over.

I haven’t spoken to hippies, but I have spoken to people from all walks of live. Living in Europe, gives you the opportunity to meet people from different cultures and get a chance to experience that at the rate of a low cost air flight.
Here in America, although New York City is very multicultural, one doesn’t get that opportunity for ‘escapism’ into other cultures. Sure you can take the train to ‘Canal Street’ and believe you are in the middle of Beijing itself, or take a ride uptown to ‘East Harlem’ and believe you are in Puerto Rico. But there remains a fact; you are still in New York City and everyone is out for them selves and you are not always guaranteed the same warm welcome one would expect in the original country.

**It’s been two long years now since the world came crashing down, and I’m getting it back on the road, but I’m taking the long way**

Yes, it’s been two years since my own world came crashing down on me. I was dating someone for almost 3 years and I thought that this would be it, that he was the ‘one’. I was very much in love and believed in the ‘always an forever’. How wrong was I when it crashed on me. My future hopes and dreams with this person went with it. It was a pretty miserable time, that lead to my depression and a severe attack of acne that at times had me wishing I were someone else. I was sure that I could have settled down with him, but now I look at the world and relationships differently. I tend to hold back and almost create a barrier to stop giving all my feelings away so I don’t get hurt again. If you read the last passage of the first chapter of “my book”, (on this website) you’ll get an idea of how terrible a time this was, wanting a solution, a way out; escapism.

This time round I’m almost jumping up and down with joy as I’m slowly realising my dreams, one of them to live here in New York City. Yes of all places I chose NYC! I guess the sacrifices I’ve made in the past are paying off as I’m seeing, this week alone, dreams do come true. I could say that I’ve signed a three-year contract with the U.S.A. But I don’t hold a limit as to how long I’ll be here for. I’ve managed to turn things round for me and I find myself on top of the world, my world that is.

When other people want to move out of the city I ask myself why? I know it’s tough, expensive, lonely, claustrophobic, too cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, grimy, dirty, rats chasing people off the sidewalk, tourists falling into potholes, friends come and go like a Marc Jacobs bag. But it is a city that doesn’t sleep, ever, not even during 9/11, so we shouldn’t take the winter off to hibernate. The city is still awake in the winter so why should you be fast asleep during this period?

I’m not saying that the way to beat the city is to join it and never sleep, but to make it our own. Over the last few years, I learned that we each have the power of contentment in any situation we find ourselves in.

I was sold on the ‘American Dream’ and I’m here, realizing that potential. It is my home for the next foreseeable future and I plan to make it my own and take advantage of its true potential, of what New York really has to offer. Yes I came here for career potential, and the prospect of filmmaking, that doesn’t mean I’m coming to milk the city of all it has and get the fuck off back to pretty old England, hell no. (I love New York, but I love London better by the way) If I’m going to remain here, I plan to see beyond what other people think of this city.

New York is not for pussies who scream about “the rats on the subway”, about “there is no place to go”, or “I have no money to go there” about “I hate going to Brooklyn” about “The drug dealers on the corner” or those who moan about, “The mice in my apartment”. I plan to make it my own, like I am right now, by not being a pussy and sticking to my gut feelings and enjoy the city come snow, rain or shine, even if I take the long way round.

Next Blog: April 1st.

2007-03-18T18:20:00.000Z

DOG, BE MY RANDOM CHAT

St Patrick’s day New York style is unlike any I’ve experienced before. Everyone in the city goes out, full wing. The streets become rampant with drunken people from very early on in the day until very very late at night. If that wasn’t all, there is also a parade along Fifth Avenue to accompany the celebrations of this Holiday. I failed to make it to the parade, much for the same reason I failed to make it to the Thanksgiving parade. The weather. However I did make it to an Irish pub down in the East Village. Getting a drink at the bar became a mission, multitudes of people flocked to the bar, as if getting wasted was a principality of this Holiday. Waiting in line to order, a woman and her boyfriend who were in front of me, saw that I was trying to get to the front and kindly suggested that they would order for me and pass down the drinks. There is something about the Irish people that make them pleasant even when drunk.

Lately I’ve been subject to random chats from strangers who stop me in the street, the gym, and general public places simply to have a conversation.
A couple of weeks ago at the gym, thirsty from a workout I make my way to the water fountain to cool off, I notice a woman talking on her mobile phone, so I cut in front of her as she carries on talking down the phone. A few minutes pass and I continue with my work out, ipod playing full volume, searching for a free weight machine, I feel a tap on my shoulder. The ipod goes to pause and I turn to see the same woman whom I’d just seen talking on the phone.
“I was supposed to have a yoga class with my friend, but she forgot to mention which gym, now I’ve to go to a different gym and meet her” she went on. I was trying to be sympathetic and at the same time trying to understand why me off all people, I didn’t want to hear her life story. She took off within moments.

Another day, this time walking outside the gym, heading towards the subway on ‘Houston Street’, again ipod playing full volume. Another girl, heading on the opposite direction I’m walking, approaches me. She is on phone and at the same time is asking me for directions. Turns out she was looking for Houston Street, the same direction I was already walking to.
I carry on walking and she does the same next to me. Within seconds she starts a conversation, asking me where I was heading. Being polite I answered, looking up ahead to see that I was only three blocks from the subway.
“Where are you from” she asks. “London” I replied, and with that she went on to tell me she used to date this guy from England, Berkshire somewhere and also that she did a semester in London through her NYU college, and we have a small conversation about old England.

Earlier this week as I waited for the elevator at work, a random woman also started a conversation, with my lunch in hand, eager to get to my desk upstairs and eat it.
“Does it taste nice?” she asks, “Excuse me?” I reply trying to make sense of what I’m being asked. “The drink, I saw you take a sip and you made a weird face,” she says.
I had just taken a sip from and Ice-tea, blackberry flavour that I’ve never tried before and my taste buds were registering this new flavour. We go on to have a small conversation about my food and how my expression wouldn’t sell it to her, just until the elevator made its way down to the ground floor and I made my way back up to enjoy my meal regardless of what some random woman in the building thought of it.

It doesn’t just stop there, I’ve had two people come up to me and ask me for directions in Spanish, out of nowhere. How do they know I also speak Spanish? This is very bizarre.

The weekend after Roxy continued in the same drinking flow. I’m neither an alcoholic nor a binge drinker I kept telling myself. (I hadn’t mentioned this, but last time I was at Roxy back in August 2006, I got very drunk and ended up being sick somewhere in the back of the dance floor) Sunday night, just recovering from a hung over, I joined old mates in the East Village for ‘Calimochos’ and some catching up.
The same could be said for Monday night. After work I joined my friends for dinner at the ‘Sunburnt Cow’. The service was slow, as it always is on a Monday night, for it being $5 night, any meal, so the drinks where on the house.
Charles was persuading me to go to an event his work was throwing after. I couldn’t possibly carry on. I needed rest. A couple more drinks later I found myself back in the 60s, where everyone looked like they’ve just stepped out a ‘Beatles’ music video, in this dingy cave of a bar, not very brightly lit, this was a PR event for the induction of Ronnie Spector into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame.
I got talking to Steve West from the 80s rock band ‘Danger Danger’. That’s right I’ve never heard of them either! But he was very welcoming and very nice to chat to, especially about British music and venues he has played at. For his age, maybe late 30s early 40s he looked good.

Tuesday night I got taken for a dog. ‘A bone was placed on my nose’ if one can say that? I could’ve gone out that night for more drinking, but a friend, funny as he is, thought it would be amusing to suggest a fourth night in-a -row of drinking. I decline with the intention that I would’ve. Turns out he was just waving the bone in front of me to see if I could carry on drinking, I was fully recovered, but that night I needed to detox, so I ventured into the gym for a much-needed run and more rigorous exercise.

Wednesday night I was invited to the New York City Opera at the Lincoln Centre uptown. ‘Madama Butterfly’ as invigorating as it is, I was falling asleep during the first act, but paid much more close attention the following two acts. It was in Italian with English subtitles playing above the stage. I found the story of impossible love tragic. Can a human being love another human being so much that they are willing to sacrifice their whole life in wait?
There aren’t many stories like that in the present day, but I guess the tragedy of relationships still exists. Love as it seems is not what it used to be. But the possibilities of finding love still remain and we shall all go forth in our own wait until we no longer have to say, “Be mine” and actually believe that we HAVE that love we’ve been waiting for. (Without the tragedy that is).

2007-03-12T03:58:00.000Z

NO LIMITS: JUST DANCE

The week began much like the previous one had ended; busy. I had three nights of consecutive live bands since last Thursday. After my LOGO event last week, I joined a friend for his birthday dinner at a Cuban restaurant where a live Cuban band was playing. This bought some memories of my childhood as some of the rhythm of the music had similarities to that style of music I grew up listening to back in Colombia.
My music tastes are anything but Latin nowadays and I would say my tastes are eclectic, ranging from one extreme to the other.

Last Friday I saw Semi Precious Weapons; if you read my Blog last week you’ll know. Saturday (which I didn’t get to write about because it’s the day that I write my Blogs from a coffee shop in the West Village) I saw Jay Brennan, an acoustic guitar player and singer. There is something about seeing people perform live, good performers that make you feel more drawn to them and their music.

Jay sang about real events that have occurred to him, about boyfriends and life in general which made it all worthwhile as I could relate to some of songs and at times felt that I could have written them. Sometimes all gay men go through mirroring faces in life; coming out to your parents, our first time with another guy, the pursuit of a boyfriend or Mr Right, getting out hearts broken and general gay life itself.
My favourite two songs of him were ‘I Want to be a Housewife’ and ‘Body’s a Temple’; because they each talk about wanting to obtain the unattainable and at the same time having no limitations about what we wish for ourselves. Is not that I want to be a housewife right now, I’m sure I could be with out the need to move to the suburbs and sell my live away with endless cooking and cleaning. But is about wanting to attain that stability in my life with out limitations or expectations that sometimes draw boundaries in everyday life.

I guess my pursuit for some meaning in my life has lead me to a quest in Kabbalah, Spiritual Enlightenment, and The Power of Now, which in itself is positive thinking and being in the present.
I keep reminding myself of why I chose to come to New York, to have suddenly dropped everything in London, my work, my home comforts, my friends, my family all for the pursuit of something I keep questioning. (And no I wasn’t running away from anything or anyone)

I didn’t set myself limitations in what I could achieve. Its not that I had a big Ego and wanted to show people off and say, “Hey I’m in New York, where the fuck are you?” It was more like “Who said I couldn’t do it?” I’ve always wanted to live in New York and make it here by working in Television and Film.
I didn’t see the implications my planned trip to the states had last summer, but I managed to work round them, not knowing what would happen upon my arrival, sticking to my guts, living on savings and no income at all. Then the month I had intended to stay for passed and I stayed on for three, then I had to work my way round the immigration red-tape to stay longer (legal of course). I didn’t set myself a limit of how long I was going to stay and to this day I don’t even know how much longer I’ll remain in New York for and I would have kicked my self, if in later years I found myself in London asking myself why I didn’t make this trip; a journey in my life.

Monday night confirmed my reasons of why I’m here. To make films. I was at the premiere of a documentary called ‘Addiction’; it’s made up of collective shorter documentaries, one of which, the production company I work for made. It tells the stories of different people, young and old, with problems of narcotic and alcohol addiction and how they are struggling to overcome it. (Sophie Dahl also attended may I add).
There in the audience I remembered last week’s invitation to MTV LOGO and the connections that I made. I somehow wanted to involve my work in film and the gay community. If volunteering for GLAAD and telling a Gay TV Network that you have a documentary planned then what do I call desperation? Yes I had also just done that! I volunteered to work for Gay And Lesbians Against Defamation. Why? Why not! I don’t set myself limits I only know the boundaries. But it seemed perfectly understandable to be with an organization that is involved in the Media. I had made my connections with LOGO, now I have to use them wisely.

As the week progressed I found a new friend in an IT Consultant who promised to help me organize and create new emails for my co-workers. This was closely followed by more rigorous hours at the gym, to which I’m still not convinced my body is changing, maybe it’s me and I need someone other than me to tell me so.

****************************************************************************

Right now I can’t be arsed to write anything more. All the above was written on Friday and now its Sunday and I really don’t want to be thinking of what to write. But I guess I must make an effort to finish it somehow. And why can’t I be arsed to write? I blame Roxy.

Thursday and Friday at my Personal Assistant job, I contemplated why I was doing what I was doing. I was tired from Wednesday nights outing to ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ and it seemed all the late nights were accumulating rapidly and I began to see dark circles under my eyes. I needed sleep. Badly. But not even sleep could prepare me for what I face on these two days. Miranda and her husband broke into a plain argument that could have started World War Three. After a couple of hours rearranging files and furniture, they both question their position in the office, one pointing where it should go, the other saying it wouldn’t look good there. “Will someone tell me where to put this filing cabinet?” I ask myself.
“No it can’t go there,” she says. I’ve never seen a couple argue about the position of furniture, the way they did. I was in the middle of the crossfire. Not that it was any of my fault; I was just there to lend a helping hand. I didn’t know what to do, either do I look away? Or just move out of the picture? “Here, is this how you want it?” the husband said now being passive aggressive and arranging the filing cabinet in the way he thought Miranda would be pleased. “No, just leave it, you are not listening to me,” she continued.” “Min, I don’t know what you are asking me, I’m leaving” and with that he took off into his upstairs office, reconsidering his move into a joint office with his wife. By Friday they were a normal couple again. Brilliant. But how do they manage? How do they handle each other? I guess they’ve been together long enough to withstand anything, and I admire that in couples who have been together for years and still manage to make it work, even through the roughest of arguments.

The weekend saw the return of Hamilton at his best. I picked up my camcorder in I don’t know how many months and started filming my ‘Subject’; a friend who agreed to let me capture him on film for the next foreseeable future. I was pleased I was beginning my small documentary project, and sought other friends who wanted to be part of my ‘Subjects’ project. Who says I can’t do it? I have no limitations and the more I wait for things to happen or for things to come to my lap the more I’ll be kicking myself in when I realize they haven’t come or I haven’t ventured out for them. The idea of course came from watching “Addiction”. I had a brilliant plan to make a documentary involving gay men and lesbian women overcoming their struggles. (More of this as I find out what shape the film is taking)

Saturday night I went to the ‘Last Dance’ at Roxy, one of New York’s most famous clubs. It was the last time it was opening its doors to the public and I wanted to be part of this historic closing. What am I talking about? I just wanted to dance. And danced I did till 6am in the morning, until my feet couldn’t take it anymore, until the sweat of my body began to dry, until the alcohol wore off and I could dance no more, until dawn broke and Roxy was no more.

Next Blog: March 18th

2007-03-04T01:36:00.000Z

LEARNING TO FLY

(Press play)

At the start of the week I panicked. I thought there would be very little that I could write about for this week’s Blog. However that changed as the days progressed and I filled them up with various events.

Last weekend I met up with Mr G for dinner and a movie. ‘Bad idea’ I know. Considering it had only been 3 days since our amicable break-up. But that’s all it was, an amicable dinner with an amicable movie.
I couldn’t help but wonder, seating there in the theatre watching ‘Breach’, starring Ryan Philippe, if I should make a move and attempt to hold his hand just like we did in the past when we went to see movies, when we were still together.
No. This was strictly amicable. I began to wonder why he’d invited me out to dinner, and suggested a movie. I thought that after the break-up there would be period where he wouldn’t want to talk or vice versa. I guess he didn’t want to cut me off completely. But I also didn’t want to get confused by this new amicability we were reaching. I had to consider my feelings.
As the movie ended and we walked out, an ironic thought came to my head. I realized where we were standing; the same theatre in Chelsea we had come to on our first date. This was where it had all started and now ironically, was where it was ending.

We departed in separate directions. I walked away with a new sense of freedom. The conversation was over and there was nothing left to say. Sometimes we all have to learn to walk away with our pride intact and our dignity high. There is no use digging up what is dead to check if is still alive. I was flying solo and I was all the better for it; I was single in New York City.

By Monday at the office the mood was strangely familiar. Somehow it felt like last week’s sombre mood. By the end of the day I understood why. Two of my co-workers who had promising romantic inclinations, suddenly found themselves having their possible relationships terminated.
Are people scared of long term-relationships or any sort of relationships, that as soon as they see signs of full on commitment, they run scared because they see their lives cut short?
It doesn’t have to be like this. My co-workers and I argued that people don’t often want the responsibilities that come with a relationship, opting to fly out when it gets serious because they freak out.
I remembered a conversation I had last Sunday with my Kabbalah and Spiritual guru. When it comes to relationships we shouldn’t expect anything from the other person; nothing, zilch. I found this very hard to grasp. Why? I asked. Relationships are based on trust and honesty aren’t they? I was also wrong. Honesty, yes but not trust.

So here I was being told that I shouldn’t expect anything from who ever it is that I date and also not to trust them. I was beginning to comprehend this and put this teaching to practice. When we set our selves expectations such as to think that the other person is going to do this and that for us. That he or she is going to be there for us. That he or she is going to make me happy and give me what I need. That he or she is going to love me. That he or she will be there when I need them the most. If we believe all the above then we are only setting our selves for bigger disappointment when they don’t deliver what we expect from them. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have a meaningful relationship when we feel that the other person is not fulfilling our needs or that they aren’t delivering in the bedroom. Instead, rather than focus on imperfection (because nobody is perfect) we should focus on the things that they do give us, on the positive things and on why we are grateful for them while having no expectations. This, I believe is called “Pure Unconditional Non-judgemental Love”. If people end a relationship because they feel “it’s going nowhere” or because “you no longer are the person I want to be with” or “I feel it’s not going to work” or “I’m just not that into you,” then it all means bullshit.

The trust part I also learnt from my mother “Don’t confide in anybody, not even the blanket that keeps you warm at night because you never know when it’s going to unwrap you and make you cold” she’d say to me. At the time, probably five years ago, I couldn’t comprehend what this meant or how I was meant to apply it to my daily life.
Slowly this sentence has unfolded before my eyes. Surely we can have some sort of trust, but what it means to me is that we should reserve some trust to ourselves before we get more disappointment. Her other advice to me was not to fall in love. I should have listened when I saw my three-year relationship come to an end in 2005. “Why don’t children listen to their parents?”

As the week progressed I learnt that my good friend and neighbour was going into rehab for the next month. I knew this was a good step for him, as he’d been relapsing since my return from London in January. He apologized for his behaviour and for excluding me out of his life the last couple of months and enlisted me to use my good interior organization skills on his apartment while he was away. I made and effort to meet for breakfast on Thursday morning and shared some advice. It seems as thought we humans become too dependent on objects, substances, people and various other things. We shouldn’t get attached to them nor take them for granted. What will we do when they are no longer available to us? What will we do when they stop fulfilling our needs? We have to learn to fly on our own accord; without expectations.

Thursday day at my Personal Assistant job to a similar ‘Miranda Priestly’ and her husband, was improving dramatically. I somehow had more attention and my mind was clearer to be more involved in the work. Previous occasions my work had been lacking, as there seemed to be a lot on my mind. This time round situations had shifted and changed and I was showing what I was capable of.

Later that night I attended the MTV Networks, LOGO, and Out in Television & Film “What Are You Laughing At? Understanding Gay TV Comedy.” I felt privileged to have been invited to the event and meet other ‘gay men’ working in the same field of industry as I was. I was slowly realizing my potential of involving myself in the gay community and involving it with my career in film. (More of this next week.)

By the end of the week I was dreading the Semi Precious Weapons concert in Brooklyn, but none the less look forward to it. Last time the lead singer of the band and I had had met, had ended in a drunkenness confrontation of offensive words from my part. I knew that I had written to him and apologized, but I wanted to make the effort and see him in person and make sure everything was ‘cool’.

Friday night, after a ‘tapas dinner’ with friends in the East Village I made it to ‘Europa’, where the band had been schedule to perform. They were great as ever. Being as glam and flamboyant as they can possibly be. I remembered I had created a group on ‘Facebook’ for them because there wasn’t any that listed this growing rock band. Justin, the lead singer, was kind enough to acknowledge me as he walked past, even calling my name “Hey Hamilton”. Then I knew this ‘Watergate’ period was over and everything was ‘cool’. He remembered my name!

Next Blog: Sunday March 11th

2007-02-27T21:40:00.000Z

10 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HAMILTON

• The first thing that Hamilton wants to point out is that people don’t always know that when it comes to gum, he never takes the full strip “I always tear gum in two, it’s a thing I do. That way it lasts longer”.

• The Colombian native moved to London, England at the age of 10 not knowing a word of English. He took up extra classes to learn the new language. He quickly picked up the new English language, making it his main tongue.

• Other nicknames include ‘Hammy’ for short, picked up by his friends. ‘H’, not to be confused with Ian ‘H’ Watkins of the former 90s Pop band ‘Steps’. ‘Hamilton Road’ as he was called at school; his Secondary School was built on a road with his name, and he had to endure 7 years at it. ‘Fox’ is a self made nickname following an obsession with The X-Files in the 90s and to be known as ‘Fox Hamilton’ and to avoid the taunts of being called ‘Hamilton Road, Ham or Ham & Cheese’.

• His first kiss came at the age of five with the girl next door, literally. She moved next door to his aunt’s house where Hamilton and his brothers spent their summer and Christmas holidays. “Her name was Kelly and although no tongues were involved” Hamilton comments, “She was my first ‘girlfriend’, and we were often found hidden under a bed tickling each other, I didn’t know the true meaning of a relationship back then, I was only 5, but it lasted until I was 8. Only seeing each other during the holidays”. The first proper french came at the age of 14 at a family party, “My friend told me her friend at the party liked me and wanted to kiss me, so we went into her room and met with Carolina. There I was kissing this girl whom I just met, not knowing what to do, while my friend stood in the bedroom behind us, my mother was in the living room with the rest of the guests”.

• His first kiss with a guy came at the age of 17. He had met up with a guy from the Internet. “It was 11:20pm, we were standing on the balcony of Ku Bar (London) and the bar was soon closing. I took a plunge at it. He was much taller than me, so I had to pin point on my toes so I could reach his lips. He was sweet but 3 days later I got an email from him telling me that he’d gotten back with his ex the night we met and that I kissed like a fish. I was distraught”. Hamilton assures us that he doesn’t kiss like a fish any more, “I don’t think I do, anyone want prove?”.

• Hamilton also collects foreign coins as a long-term hobby, “I was given a bunch of foreign coins long ago and that’s where it all started. Now I ask people for their change when they return from trips abroad. I have a huge jar with lots of coins”. Upon being asked which is the most rare coin he has he explains, “The Spanish ‘25 pesetas’ that has a hole in the middle, no longer in circulation as the Euro has taken over. And much closer to home coins from the reign of Edward VIII and George VI. I kind of inherited those from a family friend after she passed away”. It doesn’t just stop there; he also collects foreign bank notes, “Why? Why not!”.

• On being asked why he started to write a new Blog, Hamilton answered, “The Importance of Being Hamilton is a way of communicating my thoughts and feelings. Friends and people often come to me for help, advice and on how to deal with situations. The Blog uses examples of how I deal with my own situations. It’s also a way of keeping in touch with all my friends and a way for them to find out what I get up to here in New York”.

• Hamilton often puts the interest of others ahead of his own. Sometimes taking the time to help friends emotionally and offering advice. “I find my self pushing friends and bringing out the best in them. I also learn from my friends, as they can sometimes teach me things I don’t know or things I should know. I’m grateful I have friends that I can call anytime and have a good talk”.

• Hamilton as a first name is rarely common, mostly used as a surname in European and North American countries. His parents wanting to differ from the normal ‘Latin-Spanish Christian names’, decided to name him after a search on an Encyclopaedia. Sir William R. Hamilton was the man. “A famous mathematician” recalls his mother telling him. “I sometimes wondered why I didn’t get the ‘William’, I’m just content that I was named after a man that made a significant development in quantum mechanics who also discovered quaternions”. His mother was a big student of numbers and mathematics, working as an accountant in Colombia. “But think about it, can you see me as a William?”.

• “The first movie I saw at the cinema was ‘Short Circuit’. It was a school trip, back in the late 80s. I remember very little of the movie, only the robot and not staying seated for very long. I think my attention span was very short back then”. Hamilton studied Cinematics at The University of East London and explains he got into film because of Dawson Leery, “I used to watch a lot of Dawson’s Creek back in the day. I wanted to do what he did because it looked really cool. That’s where my passion for film grew and the more I got into it the more I loved it”. Acting was also considered, starring in 4 school plays during his Secondary School years. His most famous role was playing the President in the musical version of ‘Annie’. “The role came to me because the original President stood down and I was the next best choice. I’ve considered acting, but I’d rather make the movies. Who knows maybe I’ll get in front of the camera sometime”. Hamilton is now happy planning new documentaries and short films, he hopes to see in the big screen soon. Writing is also a hobby that is slowly becoming a new career, making him the next male Carrie Bradshaw. ‘The Importance of Being Hamilton’ is posted once a week.

2007-02-26T16:49:00.000Z

AND THE OSCAR WENT TO...

I just flew back from L.A where I had a front row seat at the Kodak Theater. Here are the winners:

Best Picture: The Departed (I was looking at it closely so I get a half guess)

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker (As predicted)

Best Actress: Helen Mirren (As predicted, Kate Winslet's time is coming soon though)

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin (I didn't see that coming)

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson (As predicted)

Achievement in Directing: Martin Scorsese, "The Departed" (It was about time)

Best Foreign Language Film: The Lives of Others (I should have guessed that one too)

Best Animated Feature Film: "Happy Feet" (Penguins for best acting?)

Original Score: Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla (As predicted)

Documentary Feature: "An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore for President!)

Cinematography: "Pan's Labyrinth”, Guillermo Navarro (As Predicted)

Well from the ones I guessed above I got 3 wrong, that aint so bad is it? From the over all ballot produce by the actual Academy, out of 24 I got 17. Making me the winner of our office ballot too!
"I want to thank the gays, the blacks and the jews, for without who there would be no Oscars, or people named Oscar"

2007-02-25T15:56:00.000Z

I LOVE NEW YORK

“I Want to be a part of it ….I want to wake up in a city that doesn’t sleep…if I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere” Sang Frank Sinatra on one of his most famous songs that have accompanied images of New York City around the globe, ‘New York, New York’.

It is a jungle out there, everyone is out for himself or herself and there are many species and places on the verge of extinction; people, restaurants and shops come and go like a new season’s fashion trend. I’m telling you the average immigrant in this city can only last a few years. True New Yorkers stick around because they have been here long enough to put up with what the City throws at you. Other people moan and complain about the lack of things, mainly within their lives, true New Yorkers accept the City for what it is and take advantage of its true potential and what it has to offer.

In an attempt to become a true New Yorker, rather than be seen as another alien from London, England making it in New York and let the City get to me, and at the same time remain a Londoner at heart. I went to the gym on Monday to sweat out my tears from last week’s near life crisis. I found it very rewarding pushing myself to new limits as to how much I can run for, how much weight I can bench press or lift. It definitely took my mind of things and I began focussing on new goals.
Later that Monday afternoon I strode to a different part of the City that I have fallen in love with because of the way television shows, such as ‘Friends’ and of course ‘Sex and the City’, have captured it in the past. People today say the ‘West Village’ is over rated. I found it quite astonishing walking through some of its cobble streets, and perhaps it was a reminder of some parts similar to London that made me feel ‘at home’.
There it was, my flat, a tall glass building overlooking the Hudson River, in the distant corner the skyscrapers of the Financial District and the Statue of Liberty and beyond to Jersey City. “What a view” I said to myself, “This is where I want to live, I’m moving in, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, this is my new apartment building”

Come Tuesday at work, I sensed a sombre and disheartening mood at the office. Was everyone else having a life crisis? I took it upon myself to cheer everyone up and get their hopes up somewhat, to look at the bright side of life, situations and people rather than allow them to cause further damage.
That night I went to the New York premiere at the IFC Theatre of a documentary film ‘Everything’s Cool’ directed by Daniel B. Gold and Judith Helfand both of who gave a small talk at the end.
Yet again I was seeing a movie in which the people want to help others, not just others but the planet too. The movie focussed on the effects of Global Warming and followed several characters and the activities they had taken up to get this critical message across. Too many characters made this movie a melodrama, but I found it very informative and proved that there is a situation at hand, which WE CAN ALL HELP TO IMPROVE, should we put our minds to it.

I was becoming a New Yorker; establishing my home and living space, going to the gym (crucial to all New Yorkers who want to be healthy and look good), attending movie premieres with co-workers. I’m slowly beginning to accept the City for what it is.

Wednesday at work the mood had shifted a little and we were all more optimistic than the previous day. We had a feast of grilled cheese sandwiches, to celebrate our boss’ ‘30th anniversary on winning the Academy Award’.
That night I knew I was seeing (Mr G). I had received an email from him telling me to come over that night for a talk. We hadn’t spoken to each other in five days, so I kept positive and optimistic for whatever the outcome of the ‘talk’ we were about to have.

It was one of the most pleasant break-ups I’ve had in a long time. I find it grateful when a couple sit and talk about what they each want or to discuss where the relationship is at or where it is going, rather than avoid the conversation all together and allow the relationship to escalate to dangerous emotions and possible unwanted hatred. (And for what it was, the break up sex was worth it too).
Perhaps it was what I needed, and I saw it as a positive step for the both of us, in terms of where we were with our lives and where our minds were. Rather than pinpoint a culprit, I was grateful for what the relationship had been and what it had taught me. I was once told that if you love something or someone, to let them go, rather than to hold on to them like we hold on to our pillows at night. I did just that. I let go of him. This was my happy ending; it’s the way that I love, like its forever, then live the rest of our life but not together. I surrendered to the situation, there was no use pretending; the pieces didn’t fit here anymore. I couldn’t help feel sadness within, of how things could have been, or of how things would have been. I shouldn’t duel on the past nor attempt to change it, for things happen for a reason, instead I was content that I had gained a good friend, someone who I could rely on, someone who has helped me and encouraged me to find my feet, to dig deep in the grounds on this chaotic City and find my place within it.

By Thursday I was trying to find answers to my life, to find myself yet again, I told myself or rather MIKA sang to me “Relax, take it easy, for there is nothing that we can do…there is an answer to the darkest times…don’t scream, there are so many roads left”. Life is one long road, sometimes even a rollercoaster of emotions. I had to pick myself up again. I couldn’t allow it to get me down yet again or to stop at this junction, a crossroad in my monotonous life. I moved my feet and joined the road of life. I wasn’t ready to become another human on the verge of extinction in this jungle of a City. I don’t know where the road is heading right now, soon I’ll know, soon I’ll have all the answers, all I know is that its a good and happy place where I am successful. All I need is to plan my next destination with great care.

That afternoon I took another walk (wondering the streets of New York is what I do best). I found my self in ‘Times Square’; the capital and centre of our universe.
There under the pouring rain, in the middle of the brightly lit square, between the multitude of yellow Taxis Cabs, and the hustle and bustle of people and tourists, I wept. Not because I was sad or depressed, but because I had realized where I was, “Fucking New York City!”

Next Blog: Sunday 4th March

2007-02-20T18:04:00.000Z

AND THE WINNER IS:

With only five days until Oscar night, here is my list of the movies and people who I think will be winners. You heard it here first! I’ll be sure to check it on Sunday 25th to see if the real winners match the ones on my list

Best Picture: "Babel" (I'll be looking closely at The Departed too)

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland." (So much talk, he is sure to wine it)

Best Actress: Helen Mirren, "The Queen" (I also thought Kate Winslet in "Little Children" also deserves an Oscar)

Best Supporting Actor: Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children" (I'll be looking closely at Eddie Murphy too)

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls" (So much talk, she is sure to win it)

Achievement in Directing: Martin Scorsese, "The Departed" (It's about time)

Best Foreign Language Film: "Pan's Labyrinth," Mexico (It's in Spanish otherwise I'll be voting for "Volver" too)

Best Animated Feature Film: "Happy Feet" (Great on the IMAX Super Screen)

Original Score: "Babel," Gustavo Santaolalla (The music touched me)

Documentary Feature: "Shut Up & Sing", erm I mean the nominated "An Inconvenient Truth" (SAVE THE PLANET!)

Cinematography: "Pan's Labyrinth”, Guillermo Navarro (The colour and lighting looks brilliant on screen)

2007-02-18T23:57:00.000Z

FLY ME TO THE MOON

“Fly me to moon, let me play among the stars…” Sang Frank Sinatra as the opening lyrics to the song ‘Fly me to the moon’.

That’s exactly where I wanted to be at the start of this week, The Moon. Was it the start of Valentine’s week, or just another rendition of feeling low for a couple of days where your whole life seems to have no meaning at all?

To occupy my mind and free my self from and imminent depression I filled myself by going out to dinner on Monday night with a couple of friends. Tuesday night I saw ‘The Lives of Others’. It seems as though other people’s lives are filled with nearly the same preoccupations as our own. Everyone has his or her own shit to worry about.
But that shouldn’t make people selfish to only worry about what is happening within their own life.
The lives of others is just that, a seemingly honest movie that not only shows that we have problems but we should also do what we can to help others or at least put a message of hope out there. You don’t have to go to the same extremes that the character Georg Dreyman went through to publicly publish an article about the lives and conditions about suicidal people in East Germany during the 1980s.

Am I suicidal? Of course not, I have hope, but one can’t only live on hope alone. Sometimes the true reality of life itself kicks in that makes me wish I wasn’t Hamilton.

I wasn’t looking forward to Valentine’s Day this week nor were my co-workers at the office. I asked myself, seeing as I’ve been in a relationship for the past six months, why?
The honest answer is that I didn’t have a sign or inclinations that romance was in the air from my other half.
WAIT! What am I saying? I’m not a half of a couple, I am complete and that is what I have to see and learn that my happiness is not dependent upon someone else, right?

My co-workers suggested that if I didn’t get any sign of any plans for V-day that I should join them for a slushy romantic movie, which all of them being single, were going to see. (They saw Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore)
It was more of a support for each other as some of them found no date or the need not to be with someone else on one of the year’s most romantic nights.

What is it about V-day and people’s expectations for this day? That the relationship is still alive? That we have a significant other who cares for us as much as we care for them? Or that some how an ex from the past will call or email and say how foolish they were to let you go?

My only answer to all this has to do with previous V-days. Anyone who has had a decent V-day in the past and this year finds him/herself single or questioning their current relationship will use previous V-days to reminisce on the good V-days they’ve had several years ago.

We cant live on the past and defiantly not by wishing the future was a certain way. So I surrendered to today’s situations and made my Valentine’s Day all that it could be and made plans to see my boyfriend that night. If it hadn’t been for the snow in New York that day something else could’ve been made of the night. But I was content with a take away, a bottle of wine and a good cuddle.
Or was I? I don’t know, I can’t seem to find answers to this, only that I sensed less affection than I was giving.

My resume should state ‘patient person’ along with my other skills. Thursday at work, at house 'DeVil', proved that I was in need of much of it. My mind was elsewhere. Being a Personal Assistant to a similar "Miranda Priestly" required a lot of patience. Because when someone so neurotic who constantly changes their mind not only requires patience but a couple of Valium, Xanax, Ambien and some Advil to numb the pain of sometimes being made to feel wrong, worthless and incompetent.
Come Friday however, I came out on top. Not only did I manage to show that I was a good assistant but also be told that I was right the previous day and win an apology when my boss realized the job at hand is not as easy as it seems. All it took was a good night’s sleep and the knowledge that the next Valentine’s Day was 361 days away.

By the weekend I was comforting a severe hang over, all I remember was waking up at 181st Street on the A train at 4:30am, needing to take a downtown train again. It took me almost two hours to get from Brooklyn, where the party had been, to my little apartment in the Upper West Side.
With the knowledge that came to light via an email from the birthday girl that I had somehow picked a confrontation and offended the lead singer of a popular band about music tastes and fashion, made me quickly retrace my steps to the previous night to find out what I had done wrong.
It's not within my character to pick confrontations or offend people; I made a dash for it and apologized for my actions. I think I got drunk too quick and wasn’t pacing myself with the alcohol. I spent Saturday afternoon questioning my actions of the previous night leading me to believe I was heading to a similar crisis like the one Britney Spears is confronting right now…

Next Blog: 25th February.

2007-02-12T22:42:00.000Z

New Blog

In an attempt to salvage my life from oblivion. I thought to re-attempt to write on my blog. I know I tried to get it started back in 2006, but it never took off. Why? well there were to many movies to review and I didn't have the time or the patience to do so, and I'm sure you'd rather get your movie reviews else where. However I still like movies and will carry on going to the cinema but I'll avoid writing about it in a blog, there are plenty of sites where you can read those I'm sure.

In a recent viewing of Sex and the City, I was reminiscing the days when it was on Television and looked at it closely to realize it emulated a part of my life that is sometimes never talked about or I choose to disclose with close and personal friends; past relationships and current ones.
The Importance of Being Hamilton is about something I like to do, but have never spoken about it in the past.
Why? well nobody wants to know that I sometimes write down my thoughts and feelings do they? Or that I'm writing a book.
So here it is, a blog about my thoughts and feelings, with the hope of being published weekly on Sunday afternoons for your pleasure and entertainment.

What do I have on the agenda as my first column this coming Sunday? Being the week of Valentine's day, what better way than to write about the turn out and people's expectations about the day of Love?
I can tell you that last year I spent it with my best friend, sulking over past boyfriends and feeding each other Toblerone.
That's what friends are for! I just cant wait to find out what is going to happen this year, will I go to the gym, see a movie with my co-workers or have a romantic dinner with a special someone?

Next Blog: Sunday 18th

2006-11-06T17:39:00.000Z

The Following is an extract from my book which is in working progress.

Chapter One:
On the Bus
(Life is better seen from above)

I find my self sitting on the top floor of a double-decker bus waiting for the assistant director to give me a call on set. These are similar surroundings I have come to be accustomed to; the bus, the catering truck, the tent for teas and coffee and the different departments and the people in them, all of whom hold a radio to produce this television programme.
So far I’ve been through make up, where I was told to shave my two-day stubble, I was fortunate to have Rosie do my make-up because she managed to hide my severe acne pretty well, she was very friendly and began asking me about what I did and I kindly responded. I was surprised how friendly everyone in the make-up room was, it was like a staff room where everyone congregated and could catch up on last night’s activities. To my left sat a man in a pale blue suit I failed to recognise because he had a wet towel over his face and was obstructed by the large lady waiting to do his make-up who was enthusiastically arranging her tools much like a surgeon before surgery all tidy in a line, maybe he’d had a long night, I was starring right ahead in the mirror to see how Rosie made my skin clear again to try to think who he was. I was then directed to costume where I was given ‘Jules Fergusson’s bar staff costume which consisted of grey trousers, a pale shirt, tie and a stripy salmon coloured waistcoat. All of which is a small reminder that I am really working as a barman wearing similar clothes when am not working as an extra, perhaps I should’ve complained to my agent for being typecast.
Every time the assistant director walks into the bus I gaze at him for some acknowledgement that I am here; like a small boy in a classroom with his hand high up in the air waiting anxiously to be picked by his teacher to come to the front of the class. I am that little boy, I want to be picked, and I want to be on screen, even if it is for a few seconds. Perhaps being on-screen is a little optimistic when in truth all I will end up seeing of myself is the back of my head or an obscure image of myself in the background walking past holding drinks; blink and you’ll miss me.
So far today I had to be up before dawn, that makes two days this week, though I am grateful to my agent who has acknowledge my existence after months of silence, the early mornings are a lot to get used to.
The phone finally rang this week and I can hardly turn offers down, as I am not doing anything else, apart from the casual call at Alexandra Palace. I don’t want to find myself at home bored doing nothing and earning nothing, so I say ‘yes, I’m Free’ and I drive to location to find myself bored, doing nothing and earning something.

The glimmer of hope that I have is that I wont find myself doing this for the rest of my life, only now that I find myself ‘between jobs’ and on the path to get my career on the move. As I talk to the rest of the extras on the bus, some of whom have been doing this for quite a number of years and do it full time, others that are doing it full time for the time being until they find their desired job. There are also actors who do background work because casting roles are so hard to come by these days.
I have come to the conclusion that we are all in the same boat, walking on a thread waiting for our big break in our respective fields.
Everyone’s mood is really high and energetic, keeping the spirits up, as the wait for the call on set can be a long one, so a good book or a new paper is also recommended.
It amazes me how the mornings differ from the afternoon; everyone arrives sleepy, unknown and quiet. By mid afternoon we’ve all spoken a bit more. Conversations usually start with ‘which agency do you work for?’ and we compare the number of times we’ve been booked so far this year.
The conversation can also go along the lines of ‘what programmes have you been on?’ and a successive list of programmes would follow, ‘yes, I’ve been on that programme, the food is great on that set’.
Usually, although rarely, conversations stray away from this you can find yourself or listening on people having a conversation in the bus about God and evolution.

Once I found myself trying to catch some sleep between the long takes on the set of ‘Footballer’s Wives’, which was being filmed at the Tottenham Hot Spurs Stadium, a group of guys were talking about the true existence of God. As much as the subject would sound interesting it really wasn’t, it’s not something one wants to come to work to and start hearing. ‘The big bang’, ‘the theory of evolution’, you name it, it was all mentioned. I couldn’t help but build up my thoughts in my head and join in the conversation but I didn’t want to join the discussion, if you believe in God I respect that and you shouldn’t have someone on top of you telling you otherwise.

As I’m called on set for the first time this day I still find myself waiting even more to be given a cue and a role for when then director calls ‘action’.
When it comes to it, it’s all good fun, I’ve been asked to pretend I’m serving people drinks by the bar. The 3rd positions me behind the bar and I try to locate the camera and find whether any part of me will be on shot and I make a big effort though not too much so it doesn’t all look out of place on the shot, to lean over slightly across the counter of the bar and reach the ‘pretend customers’ sitting on the other side and pretend I’m taking an order, all whilst I make sure part of me is within shot of the camera.
In between takes I try to do some flips with the cocktail shaker, but the director kindly rejects this idea and tells me its all fancy and not to do it during the actual take.
‘I understand is all about the main actors and not to cause any disturbances in the back’ I say to myself.
Whilst they take a break to reposition and move lights and cameras, Max Beasley walks near the bar ‘you alright?’ he says to me, before I can react or respond to his polite acknowledgement I have a back flash to remind me where I have seen him before and my brain begins to work at full velocity, was it the make-up room? Its only seconds until I remember that I have seen him naked once before, not in real life, much to my disappointment but on the hit TV series of ‘Tom Jones’. He walks to the long mirror which circulates the bar area to rearrange his hair and make sure everything is where it should be, I look at him and can’t help but say to him in my head ‘I’ve seen you naked!’
There are other well-known actors on set, but I’ve learnt not to be overwhelmed or be intimidated by their presence. At the end of the day they are normal people like you and me and you learn to leave them alone and get on with their job rather than pester them for an autograph or better worse, a line.

Back on the bus and I keep looking at my phone, maybe my agent’s called me and I’m needed for more days on set? Nothing, I would surely like to do more days even though I know it’ll be six weeks or more before I get paid.
At least lunch is something to look forward to, the catering is always superb, the variety of food is amazing and everything you’d want to eat I’m sure you’ll be likely to find it here. A homeless person would be in heaven here, perhaps they should take advantage when ever they see a TV or Film unit, I’d advice them to approach courteously and stuff their stomachs full, till their hearts content. They’d go unnoticed because they can say they are in costume and the caterers handing out the hot meals would only ask which dish on the menu you would like.

After lunch we are call back on set and are told to wait just outside, it seems like an eternity waiting there in the hot July sun and on top of that I’ve make-up on and a costume that I’m very much willing to take off. I look back at the days when I didn’t have to worry about working and all that would be in my head was next day’s homework. Life is getting tougher and I’m nowhere near where I would like to be.
Everyone who isn’t already on set decides to go back to the bus despite our orders to wait over half an hour ago. The wait is unbearable and the jokes and the laughter soon wear off.
Back on the bus I pick up a magazine some one has left around and find an article on healthy eating and how to improve acne. I successfully copy the details of the website and creams. The article advises to eat lots of fruit and vegetables, focusing the problem on a possible hormonal imbalance, I find that this alone will not work and hope that the new pill I am now taking will be of some benefit even though the side effects and reactions I will have to this medicine will be unbearable for some months. I will have to sacrifice a lot of evenings out and alcohol for that matter, at least until I can face the world again.

The assistant director is back on the bus, I still haven’t been able to catch his name, he seems to have remembered everyone else’s including mine, I think his name sounds like Lorry or Laurie perhaps, maybe next time I’m back on set I’ll be able to remember it. He comes with bad news; we are being released early, its no surprise as it is Friday and everyone seems eager to go on the town for a drink and let they’re hair down. I try to take my time as I head towards the changing room wanting to make something of the overtime if there is anything to make of it even though part of me wants to really go home. Once changed, my make-up is off, I wave goodbye to the other extras and make my way to the car park.
I sit in my car trying to find a way out, not out of the car park but out of the situation I am in. I still haven’t managed to understand how I got here?

2006-10-24T18:19:00.000+01:00

Bienvenidos, bienvenue, welkom, Willkommen, υποδοχή, benvenuto, 歓迎, 환영, boa vinda, добро пожаловать to my blog.
Here you'll be able to read all about the wonderful life of HAMILTON, what I get up to, comments and little quirky things that happen in life to all of us in a Sex and the City / Ugly Betty kind of way...

So here it goes...my first blog. I dont even know what this is or what I am suppose to write. But I will try to do a good job of it....

So where do I start? I guess on my arrival to the USA two months ago on the 9th of July. Thats a date I will never forget as it marked a new era in my life (am starting to sound too much like 'Gone with the wind here'). Anyway to cut the story short not that it has been long to start with: I moved from London to New York, I quit my job, said bye to friends and family and within a week I was here.

Why did I make such a drastic change I hear you ask? Well I wanted a change in my life, to feel that what I was doing was worth doing and that was benefitial in my life.
In the long run I want to be successful, maybe I didnt see it London, or maybe I did, but I liked the idea of scapeism. I don't think people thought I would actually go ahead with it when I told them "I'm moving to New York". "No you're not!".
It was a pretty big shoock when I told everyone that I was leaving within two weeks.
In my mind I knew what I was doing, but not what I was getting into. I wanted to leave my dead end job where I worked like a slave, mind you I mananged to save up some cash to pay for my trip over the pond.

So here I am, in the Big Apple trying to make it big in the Silver Screen, I'm no actor, but I do want to make good television and help improve peoples lives. The world has a lot to offer and people should be aware of that. And of course people should not be living meaningless lives, they should be doing something worthwhile.

So how is New York Compared to London? A lot more different, I happen to have moved out of my home at the same time. It wasn't like I moved out in the same city. I moved out and moved out of the country. It's pretty tough and I guess I'm taking a HUGE risk, its a big sacrifice and I hope its all worth it in the long run even if I dont see the effects right away.
I'm having a lot of fun here in Manhattan, I didnt have any friends when I arrived and so far I think I have done good by meeting several people that I have come to appreciate and I will be forever grateful for their atentiveness towards my stay in NYC.

Will I go back to London? I dont know what the future will bring, a lot of things have happened here in NYC that I did not anticipate, but I welcomed them with open arms.
So I really dont know what the future has in store for me, all I know is that I really want to stay in the city for as long as I can....