THE KILLER INSIDE ME

How can we ever be sure that the decisions we make are the right ones?
This is a question that ponders in my mind from time to time when I feel I have reached a cross road in my life.
For one, I know that life happens as it should do depending on the things we desire. I believe that if we desire love, then a path in the direction of love opens up for us to take and all we have to do is follow the signs in order to reach it.

But how do we know we are in that path to love I hear you ask? Well we just have to follow the signs and stop our ego blocking our view from seeing things how they are, rather than how we want to see them.

I struggle to comprehend that things happen for a reason and if the same feelings keeps reoccurring, such as anger and moodiness, it is because I have allowed my reaction to take over rather than see the potential learning curve from certain situations. If I am made to feel anger, fear or moody it’s because I have to learnt to deal and handle that situation in a positive manner rather react with a negative attitude. Why? Because reacting in such way is blocking my view from my true potential and reaching that which I desire.

I know sometimes I appear to be moody and cranky and after much contemplation I have come to understand why. I can be vulnerable and sensitive to harsh words or comments by others regardless of whether they were said in a non-harmful way and were just meant to be taken as playful teasing.
I appear to be stronger but I guess I am sensitive that way and I am slowly learning not to let other people’s comments build fear, anger or make me feel moody and I just have to shake comments off, like a duck in a pond shakes of confrontation from another duck and carries on paddling happily.
It may seem like I want to avoid confrontation, but it’s the opposite. We all know that when we are confronted with something unknown or some situation that we can’t handle we just react negatively with anger and hate, but the key is to let the aggressor know how they have made us feel rather than start a fight and walk away moody and not talk for the rest of the night.

At work we have a manager who is the biggest patronising psychopath this side of Notting Hill. I will call him Hannibal. Hannibal makes the atmosphere in our office turn sour, the air toxic, and the general moral is always low. That is his attitude and I am sure he has issues outside of work he needs to deal with, like murder, adultery and promiscuous sexual behavior.
The way he manages my co-workers and me makes us react in anger and hate towards him because of the way he approaches daily work; conning & manipulative.I can not fathom why such a person is so cold and brusque when all we require is a simple answer from him. I have felt like a silent lamb about to be chewed to the last morsel when I have asked him questions about work.
He is unapproachable like The Great Plague of 1665 but he has reached his work position because he is trusted by the Managing Director to do his job and oversee the work of the company.
So where am I going with this? I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad he is, he will never improve or change because his ego is so far up his own arse he can’t see the light of the sun no more.
Recently my colleague Patricia (not her real name) confronted Hannibal about his behaviour and how he makes us feel like shit; making example of his gestures such as placing his hands over his face in disgust as though he has just seen The Queen toddled all over his 35mm Feature print. (Though I highly think he wouldn’t give a fuck about that too). No real person would deliberately make you feel like shit, but Colin does, because he is a cunt. His reaction is to be defensive and making us the real enemy, but in actual fact the enemy is within us. That is to say the way he reacts is his own enemy and is just as bad as us reacting in irritation towards him.
My attitude has changed and rather than curling up in a ball when ever I have to talk to him, I dismiss his negative approach and let it brush past me. I understand the situation because sometimes we all need to learn to handle difficult people in our lives. This is just one arsehole that won’t ever change, so I will change instead for the better of my health and sanity.

Similarly I know I have reacted in such ways with past boyfriends, becoming needy and growing in fear of what is going to happen in the relationship; does he still like me? Will he dump me? Is this going to end? I know now that I shouldn’t react in such ways and let my mind build such thoughts and let things be just how they are meant to be, but when the other person pushes your buttons, you can’t help but think, what if. I guess we all need to deal with the reactions of our own ego, not just me.
The real enemy is within me, not outside me and until he is dealt with, the obstacle to my desire will live forever in its shadow.