GONE BOY: PART 2

There comes a time in one's life when we have to accept the inevitable no matter how much the truth hurts and we come to learn that what happens in our lives happens for a reason.

In the course of life, I've always welcomed challenges even the worse ones, whether a work challenge or a relationship challenge. At times it has been difficult to process my emotions and being a Libra doesn't help matters, as I don't always feel I am making the right decision.

To continue from the previous post, I have come full circle and learned the hard way that I should often stick with one decision for the better because after the rain has gone the sun will shine and there will be clarity and I will have my reassurance that I am on the right path.

Nothing much changed with Martin, he came back down to London after his Birmingham escapade begging for forgiveness and it took me a week to reassess the situation and I foolishly gave into his charm. For a while we went back to that first love kind feeling but slowly we drifted apart again. He promised not to get in touch with Andrew again and I saw the friendship between them deteriorate even though I found messages saying "I want to sleep naked with you" and "I want you be my husband". I tried to put it all behind me and see differently. I wanted to give Martin another chance.

Why was I weak? I guess for the fear of being lonely, the fear of not having a partner but I should have given into that fear much sooner I now come to realise. I loved him; he had his good ways, which is what first attracted me to him - generous, and a childish sense of humor.

As the week passed and Christmas approached I do recall a good period where we got on and made plans to see friends and do more stuff as a couple, things were on the up. He continued using grindr to much of my disappointment, at least I thought he was being honest with whom he was chatting. But I still didn’t know what he was looking for or why he needed that distraction. While he was away in his home county for three weeks over Christmas I noticed the distancing in our daily communication, I would hear from him less and less and we wouldn't talk on the phone as much. It was a text on the morning and then again at night. I grew concerned so I decided to write him a letter the feelings that had been building up until that point. I wanted to put everything on paper to engage with him and see where I hoped the relationship could go and be improved or break up once and for all. It was a new years resolution letter to start afresh when he returned from down under. There is no need to re-write it all here but my thoughts were sincere where I openly asked if he wanted to stay together or not.

I presented the letter to him on his return to gauge his reactions. We went for coffee at Starbucks in central London after an afternoon shopping in the January sales. Upon reading the letter he mentioned sleeping with two guys while he was away but he didn't want to break up me. My reaction was not to be surprised but my letter specified ending the open relationship and concentrate on both of us, just us. He didn't seem to take the letter seriously, which angered me, not least finding out about his actions on his Christmas break with his family while I had been faithful and missing him in London over that period. I was confused; there was no remorse from his actions, so there we continued drifting apart while living together and not having much sex. It just became a friendship with two friends sharing the same bed.

By Valentine's Day we hadn’t plan anything as I thought we could just spend the night in together. The day started as it usually does at weekends. Martin would wake up and roll over to his side pick up his phone and go through Facebook until he would get out of bed to make his breakfast. There was never thought of him rolling over to my side and giving me a cuddle. In the past if I sensed he was awake I’d tried to roll over to his side and put my head on his shoulder. This didn’t last long as he’d just get out of bed as soon as he could and leave me in bed alone. I would often envy couples who just spend a Sunday morning in bed being lazy and cuddling; I was missing that and I wasn’t getting it from my boyfriend, not even on Valentine’s day. I bought him a Valentine’s card because I do like to be romantic even if things were great between us I still wanted to make the effort. I didn’t get one back from Martin, his excuse being that he didn’t have time to buy one during the week. What made the day worse was that he continued being on his phone and I could see he was on grindr too. I could tell from the yellow glow of the app’s colours as he tried to hide it from me. What a cheek I thought, give it a rest at least on Valentine’s Day. The rest of the day I could forget, we stayed to watch a film and Martin passed out by 10pm and there was not incline to have sex at all. To me that was the start of my breaking point as Martin showed he didn’t care about me. He was more interested on the conversations from strangers. I knew then that I had to move on, what was I doing here anyway, I was the fool pretending it could still work when his mind was elsewhere. I had to plan my exit from this relationship with great care but also to make an impact. But where would I go? In the weeks that followed I signed up on spareroom.co.uk looking for places but I didn’t have enough savings for a deposit yet. I’d have to save up for another two months before I could afford it. But I still continued to search the site at the possibilities.

Martin had been out a few times with a new 20-something friend he had made on grindr. He said wanted to feel young again go out and party with younger people. I thought he was having a mid-life crisis. Party he did on several occasions and to even go behind my back a get drugs from a friend. He knew I wouldn’t agree but I found out when putting socks away in his draw, I saw white envelope with what clearly was party pills. What a dishonest fucking liar. He could have at least have told me his intentions rather than for me to find out. It hurt me to see him like this, and I didn’t know what kind of boyfriend to be anymore.

By early March we had been invited to a comedy night with some mutual, which was a much-needed outing for both us having been cooped up indoors at weekends for most of winter. After the performance we went for a drink at a local gay bar where I also ran into a friend and we had some drinks. It wasn’t until a half black guy walked in that Martin’s eyes lit up. It was like Christmas and I could tell he was constantly looking at this perfect specimen with a nice build. As we were all standing close to each other’s group’s he got the courage to make a conversation with this guy who’s name turned out to be Ben. My friend just looked at me with horror, how can he chat up another guy when his boyfriend is right here? He asked. I wasn’t sure either and I wanted to leave, I didn’t want to see anymore. As we gestured to leave Martin was surprised and he asked if he could ask for Ben’s number. What the fuck? I said, “It’s your life you do what you want” and he went over to ask for his number as the rest of us walked out of the bar and waited for him outside. No sooner had Andrew been out of the picture, here is Ben, another guy for Martin to flirt with. I didn’t like this picture and I questioned Martin’s intentions again and yet again he seemed indifferent not wanting to break up. But still he made my life hell, as I didn’t want any of this open relationship business. In the weeks that followed I could see Martin’s constant use of his iPhone increase, not doubt talking to Ben who as it turned out lived in Birmingham, of all places. History was about to repeat itself it seemed. While Martin took showers and his phone was left on the bedside table charging I could see the messages from Ben come in. Even though I could not log to read them I could guess they were flirtatious messages and I questioned Martin what it was they chatted about. ‘Oh this and that’ no clear answer from Martin.

One Saturday in mid March I came home after a spending the afternoon with my family to find Martin more all giddy. I remember it had been a very warm spring day and I questioned him why he was acting up. He soon confessed that he’d met a black guy from grindr earlier in the day and went over to his to have sex. I shouldn’t have asked. It had been months since him and I had had sex and yet he found the time to go off with someone else. Great. The next day, he mentioned that Ben was down in London from Birmingham and was planning on meeting him for a drink. As in a date drink I thought? What could I do? What could I say? I felt helpless. He came home late that night and I questioned him if he’d had sex with Ben but he quickly denied it. I new he was laying, his hair was out of place and not the same from when he left. I pressed for more info not knowing if it was doing me any good. He owned up to going back to his car and giving him a blowjob. I didn’t want to hear anymore, it was enough and I rolled over motionless. What a great weekend for Martin, getting laid twice in a row this weekend. To add to the pain, on our 5-year anniversary I got him a card and some nice underwear because he really needed it. I left the present on the table while he was out for him to see when he returned. I knew he wouldn’t remember the date as the following day he went to get me a belated card and underwear too. I didn’t need the same present back but it was a nice gesture on his behalf.

I was still pissed off with him and what he’d done with Ben; we don’t have sex for months and yet he has the time to go off with two different guys on a single weekend? I wanted out as I clearly wasn’t the man he wanted and I didn’t know why hadn’t the courage to break it off sooner. What was I holding on to? I had questioned Martin on several occasions if he wanted to break up but it was always the same indifferent answer. It wasn’t until I pressed for more on the weekend what was supposed to be our anniversary that he opened up and gave me three reasons. 1) He was feeling restless (hence the need to party and be around younger guys, he was 32 and felt he was missing out on life) 2) He wanted to move back to his home country in a couple of years and thought I didn’t want to move down under with him, so this had changed his perspective our relationship (He never thought to ask what I might do or realize I’d have to be dependant on him and I wouldn’t be able to get a job in my industry quite easily as he would) 3) The relationship had run its course after 5 years. I hadn’t read between the lines and now I was getting it. Time to move one I though as there was clearly nothing here. The relationship was dead.

Towards the end of March I had planned a long weekend with my Mother to Rome, it was Easter after all and it was a good time to get away and have a break from London and Martin. At the same time Martin had planned a trip with a school friend to Naples and our dates would over lap over the Easter break. While in Rome my mother sensed that I wasn’t at all content and asked if everything was ok between us and also seeing that we were taking separate holidays. She soon suggested moving back home if I really needed to. I had those days in beautiful Rome to think about my life and what I ultimately wanted to reassess what was good for me. Either I continued to be with Martin in a life of consumed and repressed feelings or break away completely; I didn’t like the person I was becoming in this relationship. I quickly made a plan to move out as soon as I landed back in London while Martin was away in Naples. It was easy to organize, I asked for the help of a friend whom I had confided and my mum came over to help moved clothes and boxes I had packed in a matter of ours booked a removal van and got everything in, I didn’t have to save up for a rent deposit and this move would help in the meantime. I didn’t tell Martin I was moving out, I wanted him to come home and realized I had had enough and not find me here waiting for him. I wasn’t going to wait any longer for him to make his mind up. And like that I was gone out of his life. I had accepted the inevitable.