LEARNING TO FLY



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At the start of the week I panicked. I thought there would be very little that I could write about for this week’s Blog. However that changed as the days progressed and I filled them up with various events.

Last weekend I met up with Mr G for dinner and a movie. ‘Bad idea’ I know. Considering it had only been 3 days since our amicable break-up. But that’s all it was, an amicable dinner with an amicable movie.
I couldn’t help but wonder, seating there in the theatre watching ‘Breach’, starring Ryan Philippe, if I should make a move and attempt to hold his hand just like we did in the past when we went to see movies, when we were still together.
No. This was strictly amicable. I began to wonder why he’d invited me out to dinner, and suggested a movie. I thought that after the break-up there would be period where he wouldn’t want to talk or vice versa. I guess he didn’t want to cut me off completely. But I also didn’t want to get confused by this new amicability we were reaching. I had to consider my feelings.
As the movie ended and we walked out, an ironic thought came to my head. I realized where we were standing; the same theatre in Chelsea we had come to on our first date. This was where it had all started and now ironically, was where it was ending.

We departed in separate directions. I walked away with a new sense of freedom. The conversation was over and there was nothing left to say. Sometimes we all have to learn to walk away with our pride intact and our dignity high. There is no use digging up what is dead to check if is still alive. I was flying solo and I was all the better for it; I was single in New York City.

By Monday at the office the mood was strangely familiar. Somehow it felt like last week’s sombre mood. By the end of the day I understood why. Two of my co-workers who had promising romantic inclinations, suddenly found themselves having their possible relationships terminated.
Are people scared of long term-relationships or any sort of relationships, that as soon as they see signs of full on commitment, they run scared because they see their lives cut short?
It doesn’t have to be like this. My co-workers and I argued that people don’t often want the responsibilities that come with a relationship, opting to fly out when it gets serious because they freak out.
I remembered a conversation I had last Sunday with my Kabbalah and Spiritual guru. When it comes to relationships we shouldn’t expect anything from the other person; nothing, zilch. I found this very hard to grasp. Why? I asked. Relationships are based on trust and honesty aren’t they? I was also wrong. Honesty, yes but not trust.

So here I was being told that I shouldn’t expect anything from who ever it is that I date and also not to trust them. I was beginning to comprehend this and put this teaching to practice. When we set our selves expectations such as to think that the other person is going to do this and that for us. That he or she is going to be there for us. That he or she is going to make me happy and give me what I need. That he or she is going to love me. That he or she will be there when I need them the most. If we believe all the above then we are only setting our selves for bigger disappointment when they don’t deliver what we expect from them. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have a meaningful relationship when we feel that the other person is not fulfilling our needs or that they aren’t delivering in the bedroom. Instead, rather than focus on imperfection (because nobody is perfect) we should focus on the things that they do give us, on the positive things and on why we are grateful for them while having no expectations. This, I believe is called “Pure Unconditional Non-judgemental Love”. If people end a relationship because they feel “it’s going nowhere” or because “you no longer are the person I want to be with” or “I feel it’s not going to work” or “I’m just not that into you,” then it all means bullshit.

The trust part I also learnt from my mother “Don’t confide in anybody, not even the blanket that keeps you warm at night because you never know when it’s going to unwrap you and make you cold” she’d say to me. At the time, probably five years ago, I couldn’t comprehend what this meant or how I was meant to apply it to my daily life.
Slowly this sentence has unfolded before my eyes. Surely we can have some sort of trust, but what it means to me is that we should reserve some trust to ourselves before we get more disappointment. Her other advice to me was not to fall in love. I should have listened when I saw my three-year relationship come to an end in 2005. “Why don’t children listen to their parents?”

As the week progressed I learnt that my good friend and neighbour was going into rehab for the next month. I knew this was a good step for him, as he’d been relapsing since my return from London in January. He apologized for his behaviour and for excluding me out of his life the last couple of months and enlisted me to use my good interior organization skills on his apartment while he was away. I made and effort to meet for breakfast on Thursday morning and shared some advice. It seems as thought we humans become too dependent on objects, substances, people and various other things. We shouldn’t get attached to them nor take them for granted. What will we do when they are no longer available to us? What will we do when they stop fulfilling our needs? We have to learn to fly on our own accord; without expectations.

Thursday day at my Personal Assistant job to a similar ‘Miranda Priestly’ and her husband, was improving dramatically. I somehow had more attention and my mind was clearer to be more involved in the work. Previous occasions my work had been lacking, as there seemed to be a lot on my mind. This time round situations had shifted and changed and I was showing what I was capable of.

Later that night I attended the MTV Networks, LOGO, and Out in Television & Film “What Are You Laughing At? Understanding Gay TV Comedy.” I felt privileged to have been invited to the event and meet other ‘gay men’ working in the same field of industry as I was. I was slowly realizing my potential of involving myself in the gay community and involving it with my career in film. (More of this next week.)

By the end of the week I was dreading the Semi Precious Weapons concert in Brooklyn, but none the less look forward to it. Last time the lead singer of the band and I had had met, had ended in a drunkenness confrontation of offensive words from my part. I knew that I had written to him and apologized, but I wanted to make the effort and see him in person and make sure everything was ‘cool’.

Friday night, after a ‘tapas dinner’ with friends in the East Village I made it to ‘Europa’, where the band had been schedule to perform. They were great as ever. Being as glam and flamboyant as they can possibly be. I remembered I had created a group on ‘Facebook’ for them because there wasn’t any that listed this growing rock band. Justin, the lead singer, was kind enough to acknowledge me as he walked past, even calling my name “Hey Hamilton”. Then I knew this ‘Watergate’ period was over and everything was ‘cool’. He remembered my name!

Next Blog: Sunday March 11th