FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.


Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?