FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.


Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?

I LOVE NEW YORK





“I Want to be a part of it ….I want to wake up in a city that doesn’t sleep…if I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere” Sang Frank Sinatra on one of his most famous songs that have accompanied images of New York City around the globe, ‘New York, New York’.

It is a jungle out there, everyone is out for himself or herself and there are many species and places on the verge of extinction; people, restaurants and shops come and go like a new season’s fashion trend. I’m telling you the average immigrant in this city can only last a few years. True New Yorkers stick around because they have been here long enough to put up with what the City throws at you. Other people moan and complain about the lack of things, mainly within their lives, true New Yorkers accept the City for what it is and take advantage of its true potential and what it has to offer.

In an attempt to become a true New Yorker, rather than be seen as another alien from London, England making it in New York and let the City get to me, and at the same time remain a Londoner at heart. I went to the gym on Monday to sweat out my tears from last week’s near life crisis. I found it very rewarding pushing myself to new limits as to how much I can run for, how much weight I can bench press or lift. It definitely took my mind of things and I began focussing on new goals.
Later that Monday afternoon I strode to a different part of the City that I have fallen in love with because of the way television shows, such as ‘Friends’ and of course ‘Sex and the City’, have captured it in the past. People today say the ‘West Village’ is over rated. I found it quite astonishing walking through some of its cobble streets, and perhaps it was a reminder of some parts similar to London that made me feel ‘at home’.
There it was, my flat, a tall glass building overlooking the Hudson River, in the distant corner the skyscrapers of the Financial District and the Statue of Liberty and beyond to Jersey City. “What a view” I said to myself, “This is where I want to live, I’m moving in, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, this is my new apartment building”

Come Tuesday at work, I sensed a sombre and disheartening mood at the office. Was everyone else having a life crisis? I took it upon myself to cheer everyone up and get their hopes up somewhat, to look at the bright side of life, situations and people rather than allow them to cause further damage.
That night I went to the New York premiere at the IFC Theatre of a documentary film ‘Everything’s Cool’ directed by Daniel B. Gold and Judith Helfand both of who gave a small talk at the end.
Yet again I was seeing a movie in which the people want to help others, not just others but the planet too. The movie focussed on the effects of Global Warming and followed several characters and the activities they had taken up to get this critical message across. Too many characters made this movie a melodrama, but I found it very informative and proved that there is a situation at hand, which WE CAN ALL HELP TO IMPROVE, should we put our minds to it.

I was becoming a New Yorker; establishing my home and living space, going to the gym (crucial to all New Yorkers who want to be healthy and look good), attending movie premieres with co-workers. I’m slowly beginning to accept the City for what it is.

Wednesday at work the mood had shifted a little and we were all more optimistic than the previous day. We had a feast of grilled cheese sandwiches, to celebrate our boss’ ‘30th anniversary on winning the Academy Award’.
That night I knew I was seeing (Mr G). I had received an email from him telling me to come over that night for a talk. We hadn’t spoken to each other in five days, so I kept positive and optimistic for whatever the outcome of the ‘talk’ we were about to have.

It was one of the most pleasant break-ups I’ve had in a long time. I find it grateful when a couple sit and talk about what they each want or to discuss where the relationship is at or where it is going, rather than avoid the conversation all together and allow the relationship to escalate to dangerous emotions and possible unwanted hatred. (And for what it was, the break up sex was worth it too).
Perhaps it was what I needed, and I saw it as a positive step for the both of us, in terms of where we were with our lives and where our minds were. Rather than pinpoint a culprit, I was grateful for what the relationship had been and what it had taught me. I was once told that if you love something or someone, to let them go, rather than to hold on to them like we hold on to our pillows at night. I did just that. I let go of him. This was my happy ending; it’s the way that I love, like its forever, then live the rest of our life but not together. I surrendered to the situation, there was no use pretending; the pieces didn’t fit here anymore. I couldn’t help feel sadness within, of how things could have been, or of how things would have been. I shouldn’t duel on the past nor attempt to change it, for things happen for a reason, instead I was content that I had gained a good friend, someone who I could rely on, someone who has helped me and encouraged me to find my feet, to dig deep in the grounds on this chaotic City and find my place within it.

By Thursday I was trying to find answers to my life, to find myself yet again, I told myself or rather MIKA sang to me “Relax, take it easy, for there is nothing that we can do…there is an answer to the darkest times…don’t scream, there are so many roads left”. Life is one long road, sometimes even a rollercoaster of emotions. I had to pick myself up again. I couldn’t allow it to get me down yet again or to stop at this junction, a crossroad in my monotonous life. I moved my feet and joined the road of life. I wasn’t ready to become another human on the verge of extinction in this jungle of a City. I don’t know where the road is heading right now, soon I’ll know, soon I’ll have all the answers, all I know is that its a good and happy place where I am successful. All I need is to plan my next destination with great care.

That afternoon I took another walk (wondering the streets of New York is what I do best). I found my self in ‘Times Square’; the capital and centre of our universe.
There under the pouring rain, in the middle of the brightly lit square, between the multitude of yellow Taxis Cabs, and the hustle and bustle of people and tourists, I wept. Not because I was sad or depressed, but because I had realized where I was, “Fucking New York City!”

Next Blog: Sunday 4th March

New Blog

In an attempt to salvage my life from oblivion. I thought to re-attempt to write on my blog. I know I tried to get it started back in 2006, but it never took off. Why? well there were to many movies to review and I didn't have the time or the patience to do so, and I'm sure you'd rather get your movie reviews else where. However I still like movies and will carry on going to the cinema but I'll avoid writing about it in a blog, there are plenty of sites where you can read those I'm sure.

In a recent viewing of Sex and the City, I was reminiscing the days when it was on Television and looked at it closely to realize it emulated a part of my life that is sometimes never talked about or I choose to disclose with close and personal friends; past relationships and current ones.
The Importance of Being Hamilton is about something I like to do, but have never spoken about it in the past.
Why? well nobody wants to know that I sometimes write down my thoughts and feelings do they? Or that I'm writing a book.
So here it is, a blog about my thoughts and feelings, with the hope of being published weekly on Sunday afternoons for your pleasure and entertainment.

What do I have on the agenda as my first column this coming Sunday? Being the week of Valentine's day, what better way than to write about the turn out and people's expectations about the day of Love?
I can tell you that last year I spent it with my best friend, sulking over past boyfriends and feeding each other Toblerone.
That's what friends are for! I just cant wait to find out what is going to happen this year, will I go to the gym, see a movie with my co-workers or have a romantic dinner with a special someone?

Next Blog: Sunday 18th