FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.


Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?

REAL HAMILTON




It’s been Five months since I was due to write a blog. Just before May 15th I suddenly stopped without giving reason.
Looking back at the last three months I can see the events that lead to my ‘writer’s block’, if one can call it that.

But you don’t need to be filled in with those boring details. None the less the last five months have seen me march with GLAAD at New York’s Gay Pride, as well as volunteering for other smaller events for them.

I’ve also been for Fire Island, which I’ve wanted to do since I learnt about it last year. I spent an amazing weekend in The Hamptons, something I’ve been meaning to do also. I’ve gone from Go-Go dancing at Bowie Ball to Animal spotting at Bronx Zoo and rollercoaster riding in Coney Island.

Apart from that, I’ve managed to make an amazing bunch of new friends that have led to countless drunken nights in Hell’s Kitchen and the East Village.

Now I find myself back In London, my hometown. I somehow feel like I’ve come full circle, because I’ve started to realize what can be attainable and what can’t. I’m not saying that I’ve given up on the dream to leave in America, but that I’ve managed to see things clearly.
Sometimes limitations are imposed on us, or unforeseen events occur that make us stop in our walks through this marvellous life and force us to see beyond the cracks on the pavement.

I guess my summer in London has forced me to reassess my situation, circumstances, needs and wants and most importantly question my motives for wanting to be in America.
The more time I spend here, the more I see that London offers the same collective ‘resources’ that New York City does. Saying so, should I question the need to be in New York all together? The same shops that are in New York I can now find in London if I look real close, the lifestyle is somewhat similar; bars, clubs and cafes offer the same entertainment. Only though that transport doesn’t run all night.

The only thing is perhaps that I don’t have the same freedom as I do in New York. Perhaps that would change if I didn’t have to live at home, under family comforts, and I were to lived in a place of my own here in London. That way I wouldn’t have to live under a restrain of curfews timed outings and have to answer to family meals each night. Maybe then, by living in London and not at home, I can have the same lifestyle that I have in New York.

But should I see America as the ultimate milestone? Crossing the last frontier? The opportunity for success? Or maybe I’ve been sold the wrong American dream?
I guess the Media, society itself and other factors have made America as the only place where you can really make it, succeed and achieve all your dreams. As the saying goes “If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere”. Really? I don’t think so.

Perhaps there is bigger investment, more investors and the opportunity to make more money. I now believe that you don’t have to be in New York, Los Angeles or anywhere in America to be successful. I believe that if you really want to “make it”, you can do it anywhere in the world you choose to be.

Life is not perfect and has no guarantees of anything, so I’ll just keep on going the way I am and let the rest take its course. That is why, I am not complacent anymore, and I guess I’m not limiting myself to just being in New York or London for that matter. I have no regrets, I guess I can live on and know in my conscience that at least I tried to be in a place that I thought could offer something that I wanted; now I see that there are no limitations to that. I have to be real, and take it day by day. I have to be real Hamilton.



**Check for weekly updates**

CALLING ALL CELEBRITIES



I understand this post is somewhat late than anticipated, but hey it has been a busy week for me and I’ve had a soar throat for the last couple of days that has left me unable to speak for some of the time. Only yesterday did it worsen and threw me into a feverish state that all I could do was just sleep in and rest. All that sleep did some good as I know find myself able to write. So I've been on my death bed for last couple of days. As soon as I touch down in London town I will complete this Blog!

Hamilton

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Monday started with a quick shoot of documentary Cinematographer and Director Kevin Keating. This was a somewhat simple interview for which I did sound. Slowly learning the ways of filmmaking.

Monday night was probably the most exciting night I’ve had in a long while. Partly because of the number of celebrities attending this event. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I had volunteered for GLAAD; reason being was because I wanted to do something within the community and help people and give up some of my hours and generally get some volunteer credits.
I was assigned the position of ‘Celebrity Escort’, a position only given to those who have volunteered for a couple of years. This was my first time volunteering and I felt privileged that I was giving the role. I felt the excitement of interacting with celebrities, but at the same time reminded my self of previous times that I’ve had the chance to hang out with celebrities, that they are real people like you and me.

With little time for induction I dived into my position, I was given a radio and folder with information about my two celebrities, I acquainted myself with their personal profile, finding out they were two soap stars from ‘All My Children’: Jeffrey Clarkson and Eden Reigel who have one of the most controversial storylines ever produced by that show.
I didn’t know who they were until that night, but I found one of them plays a transgender male to female and the other a lesbian. You can work out who plays whom.

My job was very simple; all I had to do was escort them from their car to the red carpet to the VIP bar then to their table. During the show I would come and pick them up and take them backstage to get ready for them to present. Everything was timed to a schedule and I had to get my two celebrities on call ready back-stage at the call of their name on the walkie-talkie. On the process of all that I shared and elevator with Rosie O’Donnell and her wife Kelly, this was as I took Jeffrey and Eden to their table, all of us, including publicist, cramped inside one of the Marriot Marquis glass elevators. As we stepped out I said “Nice to meet you Rosie” and she replied “Nice to meet you too”. She was as friendly as she seems on her show “The View” and as outspoken as she can be.

On a far table I spotted the two ‘James’ from the movie ‘Shortbus’; Paul Dawson and PJ DeBoy. They were very friendly and surprisingly short and I found it strange talking to them at the same eye level as me. On the movie they looked much taller and broader at the shoulders, but I found both to be the same height as me. We had a small chat about how I loved the movie and how I’d seen their co-actor Jay Brannan, perform his acoustic music a couple of weeks ago. All three of them have one of the best scenes in the movie that ends with the American National Anthem being sang into Jay’s ass.

The night went on without a hitch. That was until some random drunk person, who turned out to be a ‘big donor’, spotted me. He was unhappy with where he’d been seated, he was unable to get a drink and I was all of the sudden meant to solve all his problems. I was put on the spot. I radioed my team leader for back up. No answer. I tried to be as friendly as I could, pointing out that there was free wine on the table. This guy wanted hard liqueur. I suggested he sat down and that I would send someone to his table to sort his troubles and maybe ignoring it all I wouldn’t see him again and he’d forget about his complaint.

The biggest part of the awards came towards the end of the night. Escorting Jeffrey and Eden back to their table after they had presented, we run into Jennifer Hudson backstage. None of us say a word. We just take this moment in to breathe in the same air as this Academy Award Winner and stare in awe.
Jennifer went on to present Patti Labelle with Excellence in Media Award, for which turned out to be a pivoting point in both these women’s careers; one’s career just starting out the other receiving a ‘lifetime achievement’.
I almost cried, hold on I had a tear in my eye. For a moment everyone was lost because we didn’t know if Patti was the one giving Hudson the award, she gave a big speech about Hudson and her Oscar blah blah even called Hudson a bitch if she were to turn all Hollywood. "Beyonce who?” Lets just say it ended with both of them singing an acoustic version of "Nobody knows but Jesus" or something like it. (Hudson’s voice filled the whole 45 floors of the Marriott Marquis on Times Square).
This was a thrilling experience, the moment were two black women, compared themselves to gay men! (You can catch it on LOGO later this month when it gets aired)

The night ended with an after party. One party I was grateful not to be kicked out. Last time I made my way into a celebrity after party and was kicked out, was while working at Alexandra Palace for the ‘UK Music Hall of Fame’, I had the wrong pass. I had borrowed the pass from a co-worker who wasn’t staying and I decided to for him go and enjoy the free drinks (my pass was only limited to the catering side). On deciding to go the gent’s room after the consumption of too much liquid I had to go out of the room and pass security again. I didn’t know if I should risk it again. “What the heck I thought”.
Wrong idea, the security guard questioned my pass and asked me to leave the party right away. Then him and a second security guard took me by the shouldes to my managers office “I have ‘Tariq’ here, he was in the after party with the wrong pass” said the security guard. “Tariq?” my manager said as he looked at me not saying anything else, for his look could say I was not ‘Tariq’. It was already late and I had just been thrown out of a celebrity party for having the wrong access pass with the wrong name! It was short lived and I knew there would be more events and after parties, so I wasn’t all hung up on that event back then.

After the GLAAD after party I joined my cute team leader and a couple of others for a drink in near by ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ to celebrate the success of the night. The team leader and I got very chatty and didn’t realise it so until the lights of the bar were turned on and it was closing time. I looked at my watch and saw that it was 4am; I needed to be at work at 11am!

The week followed in similar suit. I recovered on Tuesday and Wednesday. By Thursday I had been invited to three separate events. This was when I began to fall ill. My soar throat began, but I didn’t think much of it and went out anyway. I joined co-workers for a ‘crew’ reunion in a near bar. I stayed long enough to introduce myself to previous employees and freelancers who worked on the documentary ‘Shut up and Sing’. I knew that these would be people whom I’d see again at some point of my career again, maybe when the time came and I needed help putting my own documentary together.

The second event of that night was a small concert by ‘Lisa Palleschi’ at The Bitter End on Bleecker Street, for which my friend Charlie, who is her PR, had invited me to. My favourite song was 'A New Beginning', because it talks about being at a place where I am right now 'on the edge of a new beginning', and I feel New York is my new begining and I'm spreading out my wings to fly and venture out.
After this social event and questioning a musical documentary on Lisa, we made our way to Keno41 in Midtown Manhattan. A much recently discovered Thursday night party for those who’s Friday fall on a Thursday. My throat was bad. I could hardly speak and I didn’t want to force my voice or myself. I stayed long enough to spot the punks who thought it was still 1993 and Michael Musto, the Village Voice Columnist.

By the weekend I was dying. My soar throat hard turn into a flu and I was looking so rough. I almost wish I hadn’t met up with my team leader from GLAAD for dinner, who knows what he must’ve thought on Friday night? I made it through the weekend by staying in bed most of the time. But I needed to make my way. Make my way home and here I am, still recovering, London has called me once again.

Next Blog: April 8th (or there abouts)