GONE BOY: PART 2

There comes a time in one's life when we have to accept the inevitable no matter how much the truth hurts and we come to learn that what happens in our lives happens for a reason.

In the course of life, I've always welcomed challenges even the worse ones, whether a work challenge or a relationship challenge. At times it has been difficult to process my emotions and being a Libra doesn't help matters, as I don't always feel I am making the right decision.

To continue from the previous post, I have come full circle and learned the hard way that I should often stick with one decision for the better because after the rain has gone the sun will shine and there will be clarity and I will have my reassurance that I am on the right path.

Nothing much changed with Martin, he came back down to London after his Birmingham escapade begging for forgiveness and it took me a week to reassess the situation and I foolishly gave into his charm. For a while we went back to that first love kind feeling but slowly we drifted apart again. He promised not to get in touch with Andrew again and I saw the friendship between them deteriorate even though I found messages saying "I want to sleep naked with you" and "I want you be my husband". I tried to put it all behind me and see differently. I wanted to give Martin another chance.

Why was I weak? I guess for the fear of being lonely, the fear of not having a partner but I should have given into that fear much sooner I now come to realise. I loved him; he had his good ways, which is what first attracted me to him - generous, and a childish sense of humor.

As the week passed and Christmas approached I do recall a good period where we got on and made plans to see friends and do more stuff as a couple, things were on the up. He continued using grindr to much of my disappointment, at least I thought he was being honest with whom he was chatting. But I still didn’t know what he was looking for or why he needed that distraction. While he was away in his home county for three weeks over Christmas I noticed the distancing in our daily communication, I would hear from him less and less and we wouldn't talk on the phone as much. It was a text on the morning and then again at night. I grew concerned so I decided to write him a letter the feelings that had been building up until that point. I wanted to put everything on paper to engage with him and see where I hoped the relationship could go and be improved or break up once and for all. It was a new years resolution letter to start afresh when he returned from down under. There is no need to re-write it all here but my thoughts were sincere where I openly asked if he wanted to stay together or not.

I presented the letter to him on his return to gauge his reactions. We went for coffee at Starbucks in central London after an afternoon shopping in the January sales. Upon reading the letter he mentioned sleeping with two guys while he was away but he didn't want to break up me. My reaction was not to be surprised but my letter specified ending the open relationship and concentrate on both of us, just us. He didn't seem to take the letter seriously, which angered me, not least finding out about his actions on his Christmas break with his family while I had been faithful and missing him in London over that period. I was confused; there was no remorse from his actions, so there we continued drifting apart while living together and not having much sex. It just became a friendship with two friends sharing the same bed.

By Valentine's Day we hadn’t plan anything as I thought we could just spend the night in together. The day started as it usually does at weekends. Martin would wake up and roll over to his side pick up his phone and go through Facebook until he would get out of bed to make his breakfast. There was never thought of him rolling over to my side and giving me a cuddle. In the past if I sensed he was awake I’d tried to roll over to his side and put my head on his shoulder. This didn’t last long as he’d just get out of bed as soon as he could and leave me in bed alone. I would often envy couples who just spend a Sunday morning in bed being lazy and cuddling; I was missing that and I wasn’t getting it from my boyfriend, not even on Valentine’s day. I bought him a Valentine’s card because I do like to be romantic even if things were great between us I still wanted to make the effort. I didn’t get one back from Martin, his excuse being that he didn’t have time to buy one during the week. What made the day worse was that he continued being on his phone and I could see he was on grindr too. I could tell from the yellow glow of the app’s colours as he tried to hide it from me. What a cheek I thought, give it a rest at least on Valentine’s Day. The rest of the day I could forget, we stayed to watch a film and Martin passed out by 10pm and there was not incline to have sex at all. To me that was the start of my breaking point as Martin showed he didn’t care about me. He was more interested on the conversations from strangers. I knew then that I had to move on, what was I doing here anyway, I was the fool pretending it could still work when his mind was elsewhere. I had to plan my exit from this relationship with great care but also to make an impact. But where would I go? In the weeks that followed I signed up on spareroom.co.uk looking for places but I didn’t have enough savings for a deposit yet. I’d have to save up for another two months before I could afford it. But I still continued to search the site at the possibilities.

Martin had been out a few times with a new 20-something friend he had made on grindr. He said wanted to feel young again go out and party with younger people. I thought he was having a mid-life crisis. Party he did on several occasions and to even go behind my back a get drugs from a friend. He knew I wouldn’t agree but I found out when putting socks away in his draw, I saw white envelope with what clearly was party pills. What a dishonest fucking liar. He could have at least have told me his intentions rather than for me to find out. It hurt me to see him like this, and I didn’t know what kind of boyfriend to be anymore.

By early March we had been invited to a comedy night with some mutual, which was a much-needed outing for both us having been cooped up indoors at weekends for most of winter. After the performance we went for a drink at a local gay bar where I also ran into a friend and we had some drinks. It wasn’t until a half black guy walked in that Martin’s eyes lit up. It was like Christmas and I could tell he was constantly looking at this perfect specimen with a nice build. As we were all standing close to each other’s group’s he got the courage to make a conversation with this guy who’s name turned out to be Ben. My friend just looked at me with horror, how can he chat up another guy when his boyfriend is right here? He asked. I wasn’t sure either and I wanted to leave, I didn’t want to see anymore. As we gestured to leave Martin was surprised and he asked if he could ask for Ben’s number. What the fuck? I said, “It’s your life you do what you want” and he went over to ask for his number as the rest of us walked out of the bar and waited for him outside. No sooner had Andrew been out of the picture, here is Ben, another guy for Martin to flirt with. I didn’t like this picture and I questioned Martin’s intentions again and yet again he seemed indifferent not wanting to break up. But still he made my life hell, as I didn’t want any of this open relationship business. In the weeks that followed I could see Martin’s constant use of his iPhone increase, not doubt talking to Ben who as it turned out lived in Birmingham, of all places. History was about to repeat itself it seemed. While Martin took showers and his phone was left on the bedside table charging I could see the messages from Ben come in. Even though I could not log to read them I could guess they were flirtatious messages and I questioned Martin what it was they chatted about. ‘Oh this and that’ no clear answer from Martin.

One Saturday in mid March I came home after a spending the afternoon with my family to find Martin more all giddy. I remember it had been a very warm spring day and I questioned him why he was acting up. He soon confessed that he’d met a black guy from grindr earlier in the day and went over to his to have sex. I shouldn’t have asked. It had been months since him and I had had sex and yet he found the time to go off with someone else. Great. The next day, he mentioned that Ben was down in London from Birmingham and was planning on meeting him for a drink. As in a date drink I thought? What could I do? What could I say? I felt helpless. He came home late that night and I questioned him if he’d had sex with Ben but he quickly denied it. I new he was laying, his hair was out of place and not the same from when he left. I pressed for more info not knowing if it was doing me any good. He owned up to going back to his car and giving him a blowjob. I didn’t want to hear anymore, it was enough and I rolled over motionless. What a great weekend for Martin, getting laid twice in a row this weekend. To add to the pain, on our 5-year anniversary I got him a card and some nice underwear because he really needed it. I left the present on the table while he was out for him to see when he returned. I knew he wouldn’t remember the date as the following day he went to get me a belated card and underwear too. I didn’t need the same present back but it was a nice gesture on his behalf.

I was still pissed off with him and what he’d done with Ben; we don’t have sex for months and yet he has the time to go off with two different guys on a single weekend? I wanted out as I clearly wasn’t the man he wanted and I didn’t know why hadn’t the courage to break it off sooner. What was I holding on to? I had questioned Martin on several occasions if he wanted to break up but it was always the same indifferent answer. It wasn’t until I pressed for more on the weekend what was supposed to be our anniversary that he opened up and gave me three reasons. 1) He was feeling restless (hence the need to party and be around younger guys, he was 32 and felt he was missing out on life) 2) He wanted to move back to his home country in a couple of years and thought I didn’t want to move down under with him, so this had changed his perspective our relationship (He never thought to ask what I might do or realize I’d have to be dependant on him and I wouldn’t be able to get a job in my industry quite easily as he would) 3) The relationship had run its course after 5 years. I hadn’t read between the lines and now I was getting it. Time to move one I though as there was clearly nothing here. The relationship was dead.

Towards the end of March I had planned a long weekend with my Mother to Rome, it was Easter after all and it was a good time to get away and have a break from London and Martin. At the same time Martin had planned a trip with a school friend to Naples and our dates would over lap over the Easter break. While in Rome my mother sensed that I wasn’t at all content and asked if everything was ok between us and also seeing that we were taking separate holidays. She soon suggested moving back home if I really needed to. I had those days in beautiful Rome to think about my life and what I ultimately wanted to reassess what was good for me. Either I continued to be with Martin in a life of consumed and repressed feelings or break away completely; I didn’t like the person I was becoming in this relationship. I quickly made a plan to move out as soon as I landed back in London while Martin was away in Naples. It was easy to organize, I asked for the help of a friend whom I had confided and my mum came over to help moved clothes and boxes I had packed in a matter of ours booked a removal van and got everything in, I didn’t have to save up for a rent deposit and this move would help in the meantime. I didn’t tell Martin I was moving out, I wanted him to come home and realized I had had enough and not find me here waiting for him. I wasn’t going to wait any longer for him to make his mind up. And like that I was gone out of his life. I had accepted the inevitable.

GONE BOY: PART 1

I’ve started to plan my exit, my exit from this unhappy relationship that has become distant and unbearable to be part of. I first wanted to walk away four months ago when I discovered that my boyfriend of five years, Martin, was secretly planning a romantic-sex filled weekend to Birmingham with his lover Anton. Five months on I am questioning why I forgave and decided to stay on in the relationship. I thought things could change between us and with five years between us, a new flat, shared friends and family it seemed better to stick with it than to lose everything. But now, more than ever I am prepared to walk away and give up everything for the sake of my own sanity. I feel fucked up, emotionally drained and I can’t continue in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
Looking back, I can’t pin-point when we started to drift apart. It may have been a consequence of the open relationship we had led and agreed on a year prior. What started as a ‘let’s explore our sex life with a threesome’ continued with separate one-on-one hook-ups. But we had agreed that this wouldn’t and shouldn’t come between our relationship so there was no concern on my part to continue being committed to the man I loved and I truly felt I could share my life with this person. Yes there we times when we got annoyed and bickered about small stuff such as who would cook dinner or who would house chores but those little things seem insignificant as we would soon made up.

Things started to change when he befriended Anton – what I thought was an innocent friendship, because his intentions where to make new friends to go out hang out with and hang out, I certainly didn’t feel threaten at the time and I felt it would be good for him to also have his own space and mates to hang out with. Little did I know that there was more to the bromance and I started to become suspicious of his constant iPhone use and regular texts to Anton. He became inseparable from his phone and stopped sharing his usual nuances when talking about his friends or guys he fancied on grindr. He would always comment and ask for my opinion “Look at this guy, what do you think?” But now it was different and the conversation between us started to dry up. Perhaps I’m not the best communicator and sometimes two people in love and in synch don’t need words to express feeling but literally it felt like we didn’t have much to talk about. I felt his friendship with Anton was getting in the way of our relationship; he would go out of his way to make plans and see Anton whenever he was in town, I didn’t mind at first because he wanted to go out a bit more. Most of our weekends were spent staying in so as to save money (me in particular) and I think it bothered him that I was still paying credit card debt and I didn’t feel like going out as often. It wasn’t until he started to position himself differently on the sofa so I couldn’t see his screen or changing Anton’s name on the phone book so it read ‘Andrea’ when a message came in and the constant buzzing of his phone at night while he was asleep that I began to question the friendship and the type of conversations he was having with this guy who I’d yet to meet. The constant texting continued and I had to do something as it started to drive me crazy. In the four and half years that we had been together I had not felt the need to tap into his phone and look at his conversations. I felt I could trust him and he had always been open about who he was talking to and I could see who it was that he was chatting to when we sat next to each other on the sofa, but now I had an itch to find out more.

Late one night while he lay asleep I decided to end that curiosity and find out for myself what exactly it was that he was trying to keep from me. I’d known the pin to his iPhone as I had seen him type it in earlier in the day so unlocking it wasn’t an issue. It was an impulsive decision, he was becoming withdrawn, silent and distracted by his texts from Anton and grindr. I was hurt by what I discovered, my own fault I know but I realised then that the man I had fallen in love with wasn’t the same person. I discovered more romantic messages and pet name calling such as ‘baby’ and here I was thinking that ‘baby’ was solely reserved for me? Calling someone ‘babes’ I could have lived with, but this was more direct. As I quickly panned downed the exchange of messages I saw messages ending with ‘Love you’ and others that started with ‘I miss you’, “What the fuck?” I thought. Martin was having a romantic affair with this guy and was deceiving me right behind my back. I didn’t ‘know if what had started as an innocent friendship had become sexual yet.

I felt let down, partly feeling guilty for not spotting it sooner, how could I have let our relationship come to this? In the haste of me skimming through the exchange of texts Martin woke up and realised his phone was missing from his bedside table and came looking for it where I was in the spare bedroom. I confronted him there and then for a full explanation to his romantic exchanges and he quickly dismissed it as friendly banter and to get off his case. I couldn’t sleep that night, I wanted to know more and I knew Anton had a boyfriend too so how did his boyfriend feel about it too? Martin’s friendship with Anton no longer confided to our ‘open relationship’ rules. He’d let his emotion get on the way and was falling for someone else. If I ever did hook up with anyone else it would purely be for a sexual gratification that I wanted fulfilled, I didn’t seek it often because the person who I wanted the most was my boyfriend who now showed little interest. I knew who I was in love with and I would have never let a random hook-up get in the way of my emotions. I had been hurt this way once before by an ex-boyfriend telling me he was in love with someone else. Was history repeating itself?

The weeks carried on but the sex with Martin dried up – I felt I wasn’t turning him on anymore and I became chronically insecure. I tried to get us to be a couple once again, focusing on the good trying to re-spark that ignition we once had. I still felt for him, I still cared; this man had a power over me. Nothing changed and he continued his constant use of his mobile, texting all the time and I decided to dig deeper; I became a detective. For my birthday he took me out to a really fancy restaurant in town and paid for the whole bill, I was chuffed and thought thing were on the up. A couple of days after my birthday Martin mentioned he had bought train tickets to see his Great-Aunt in Leicester. Fine I thought – he would usually go up to see her as she is frail and old and needed the company from time to time. We had been once before and we spent the weekend in Leicester with his great-Aunt sleeping in separate beds because that is how she placed us. For his subsequent visits I didn’t go because of my schedule and I didn’t want to go for this visit. It came to a surprise that he had already paid for his train tickets in advance as he would usually discuss his train time options with me. I didn’t think anything of it until one evening while he was in the shower I logged into this laptop to check that his train bookings were genuine. The train tickets were genuine alright but they were booked to a different destination. His great-Aunt doesn’t live in Birmingham? Unless she has moved in the last month without me knowing there must be something wrong here or was it a connecting train via Birmingham to Leicester? As I looked up the inbox I saw another email with the subject ‘Hotel reservation confirmation’, the cheeky bastard was lying to me. That same email confirmation had a forwarding flag to Anton. Bingo. The lying cunt was planning to spend three nights away with his lover. To make matters worse the booking for this weekend was made the day after my birthday!

I didn’t mention anything about the emails that I had read. I had to take a long walk that night as I was so enraged and emotionally hurt. I felt my relationship with Martin crumbling around me like old ruins and I needed to end with him. I question why he didn’t just end it before so he could run off with Anton if that’s what he wanted. I waited all week before his planned departure for him to own-up to his true destination. Yes it may seem that I was setting a trap but I wanted to hear it from him and be honest like we had done in the past. I did bring up a conversion about his great-Aunt to ask about his plans with her while in Leicester but he quickly dismissed them to say he’d make arrangements once there. My detective work continued and I happened to go through his bag pack only to find lube and condoms and stashed at the bottom of the bag was a black line plastic back with two sets of four packed aqua-blue diamond shaped pills that I came to realise were Viagra! My heart beat as fast as it had ever done right there and then. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh because I was right all along.

I was heartbroken to see that my suspicions were true – in the process of investigation I had hurt myself even more by prying into Martin’s private life and now I wanted out. I asked myself why this was happening and tried to gauge some message from the universe? Perhaps it was a way of being told I need to be stronger and reassess my life. I made a decision to go along with his plan and not mention anything of what I had discovered while all along contemplating a break up. The weekend of his departure came, it was a Friday morning and I got ready for work as usual and so did he. I noticed that all week he’d been making himself look good; a fresh new haircut, a tan and man-escaping his nether regions while making it all seem like a routinely ritual. I knew his train was also in the morning so we would take the tube together towards Euston, him with his carry-on all ready for his ‘pretend quiet weekend with his great-Aunt’. He didn’t suspect I knew of his cunning plan and part of me hoped he would confess of his true destination before alighting and waving goodbye at Finsbury Park. I knew I had a choice to speak up but I didn’t, I carried on towards the West End knowing that our relationship was over. I would let him enjoy whatever dirty weekend he wanted and come Sunday I would message him to tell him I knew of his true location. Come Sunday it would over. Come Sunday this boy would be gone.

DEFYING THE UNDEFINED

Last week I got to thinking how a relationship can be defined. When you are dating someone and you do all the general things that boyfriends do, is it safe to assume you are already boyfriends just by the activities that you do?

Reading a popular blog ‘Break the illusion’, I became aware of the importance or more so the human needs to label something or a situation. We humans can rationalised a whole lot better when we can identify the meaning of something in order to know what it is.

The fear of the unknown plays a great deal with our minds, such as new tastes, new locations and change, partly due because we do not know what to expect from these new and exciting situations. We build a barrier and create a bubble which becomes our safety zone in which all that we know around us is safe. We can happily continue to live our lives within this bubble of the known world to us, but what is there beyond?

If Christopher Columbus hadn’t followed his instinct and broken his fear of the unknown far regions of the earth and sailed across the Atlantic to discover the New World, we would never be where we are now (that can be disputed with the genocide that the Indians of the New World faced with the Spanish conquistadors).
My outlook in life has always been to break the barriers rather than live complacent with what I have (that isn’t to say that I am not happy with what I have, because it’s important to be happy with what we get and currently have) but to break the bubble, live away from a predicable routine (easier said than done) and step off the fence, in my opinion, is a better way to experience what life has to offer.

Change is good! What ever it is! So in my case I have gone from being single to not being single. At first I have been somewhat apprehensive about such move considering where previous relationships have gone. I know I am heading in a good direction but I can’t help to notice other aspect s of my life still in need of change.

The thought of labelling my relationship daunted me because I didn’t want anything to change from what it is, but when it moves like a dog, barks like a dog then it must be a dog. I know that if the relationship is to progress between me and Kiwi Boy then so must the way in which we identify with each other and the rest of the world and I mustn’t worry about what the past has brought or what the future will bring.

Defining ones relationship shows the progression of where you are with that person; be it just dating to becoming boyfriends or getting hitched or simply remaining steady.
It’s been a long while since I last called some my boyfriend and I am getting used to that idea not only in my head but also by how it sounds when I hear myself say it.

There isn’t a general rule as to how you ought to define a relationship and it has more to do with the individuals views and feelings for one another that allow a mutual progression into a ‘next step’. If it’s easy to label a situation for one’s benefit of identification then do so. I for one like to separate my clothes in my wardrobe by colour, t-shirts, jeans, sweaters etc. By knowing where everything is I can easily go in a grab what I want (it isn’t the case all the time as I can be messy during busy and stressful periods). Anyhow this just helps me identify things.

Label or no label, just knowing and appreciating what you have, shows the contentment and satisfaction of wherever you are with your life right now. I know I am!

THE KILLER INSIDE ME 2

Following certain observations from the published blog on February 23rd, there are a few things I would like to rectify.

I am not going to apologise about my comments because they are share with me amongst the people in my office. I may have gone somewhat overboard with the name calling and they are essentially not true until proven. They are merely and illusion to box a person up in a category in order to have a better understanding of them.
In any case isn’t that what human beings do in a daily basis? Try to compartmentalise others or diminish them into something they can handle.
My point being is that, this man Hannibal has diminished us for so long that I have lowered myself in a state of rage as an example of our ego’s reactive system to diminished him with my own fear.

‘But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you’ – Madonna

The real me is not irrational or would generally be name calling people in such harsh manner unless pushed to the edge, but I have used it as an example of how far our reactive capabilities can take us when we reach that state of mind. (So I shouldn’t lower myself to his standards nor should anyone lower themselves to their aggressor). In conclusion we shouldn’t react with fear or diminish others but brush off their harsh comments and their negative way of being. By removing this darkness is the only way we can see the light.

As a human being I can only be true to myself and how I feel and continue in a positive path and do my best to reduce or annihilate my ego’s negative interventions without the need to harm others with my malicious words. So when we feel the need to be reactive we should stop and see that the obstacle is the killer inside us and instead be proactive and let the sun shine in.

THE KILLER INSIDE ME

How can we ever be sure that the decisions we make are the right ones?
This is a question that ponders in my mind from time to time when I feel I have reached a cross road in my life.
For one, I know that life happens as it should do depending on the things we desire. I believe that if we desire love, then a path in the direction of love opens up for us to take and all we have to do is follow the signs in order to reach it.

But how do we know we are in that path to love I hear you ask? Well we just have to follow the signs and stop our ego blocking our view from seeing things how they are, rather than how we want to see them.

I struggle to comprehend that things happen for a reason and if the same feelings keeps reoccurring, such as anger and moodiness, it is because I have allowed my reaction to take over rather than see the potential learning curve from certain situations. If I am made to feel anger, fear or moody it’s because I have to learnt to deal and handle that situation in a positive manner rather react with a negative attitude. Why? Because reacting in such way is blocking my view from my true potential and reaching that which I desire.

I know sometimes I appear to be moody and cranky and after much contemplation I have come to understand why. I can be vulnerable and sensitive to harsh words or comments by others regardless of whether they were said in a non-harmful way and were just meant to be taken as playful teasing.
I appear to be stronger but I guess I am sensitive that way and I am slowly learning not to let other people’s comments build fear, anger or make me feel moody and I just have to shake comments off, like a duck in a pond shakes of confrontation from another duck and carries on paddling happily.
It may seem like I want to avoid confrontation, but it’s the opposite. We all know that when we are confronted with something unknown or some situation that we can’t handle we just react negatively with anger and hate, but the key is to let the aggressor know how they have made us feel rather than start a fight and walk away moody and not talk for the rest of the night.

At work we have a manager who is the biggest patronising psychopath this side of Notting Hill. I will call him Hannibal. Hannibal makes the atmosphere in our office turn sour, the air toxic, and the general moral is always low. That is his attitude and I am sure he has issues outside of work he needs to deal with, like murder, adultery and promiscuous sexual behavior.
The way he manages my co-workers and me makes us react in anger and hate towards him because of the way he approaches daily work; conning & manipulative.I can not fathom why such a person is so cold and brusque when all we require is a simple answer from him. I have felt like a silent lamb about to be chewed to the last morsel when I have asked him questions about work.
He is unapproachable like The Great Plague of 1665 but he has reached his work position because he is trusted by the Managing Director to do his job and oversee the work of the company.
So where am I going with this? I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad he is, he will never improve or change because his ego is so far up his own arse he can’t see the light of the sun no more.
Recently my colleague Patricia (not her real name) confronted Hannibal about his behaviour and how he makes us feel like shit; making example of his gestures such as placing his hands over his face in disgust as though he has just seen The Queen toddled all over his 35mm Feature print. (Though I highly think he wouldn’t give a fuck about that too). No real person would deliberately make you feel like shit, but Colin does, because he is a cunt. His reaction is to be defensive and making us the real enemy, but in actual fact the enemy is within us. That is to say the way he reacts is his own enemy and is just as bad as us reacting in irritation towards him.
My attitude has changed and rather than curling up in a ball when ever I have to talk to him, I dismiss his negative approach and let it brush past me. I understand the situation because sometimes we all need to learn to handle difficult people in our lives. This is just one arsehole that won’t ever change, so I will change instead for the better of my health and sanity.

Similarly I know I have reacted in such ways with past boyfriends, becoming needy and growing in fear of what is going to happen in the relationship; does he still like me? Will he dump me? Is this going to end? I know now that I shouldn’t react in such ways and let my mind build such thoughts and let things be just how they are meant to be, but when the other person pushes your buttons, you can’t help but think, what if. I guess we all need to deal with the reactions of our own ego, not just me.
The real enemy is within me, not outside me and until he is dealt with, the obstacle to my desire will live forever in its shadow.

FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE

Start and stop, start and stop. I re-read some of last years posts and I realized I wasn’t true to my word to continue writing a monthly blog and I stopped short at the end of February 2009; those are only two entries out of a possible 12!
So here I am almost a year later, not making any promises of a continual blog but rather a pledge to write when necessary and when I feel like doing so. It may be every week, or once a month, who knows.

The last year has been an intriguing one, filled with a realization of my own purpose as a human being as well as learning about people around me; my friends, my family and the world in general. It’s a satisfying thought starting to know how the world works and how you fit around it and how the Universe can rearrange itself feed you with new experiences or remind you of certain ones.

Looking back at the last year I can say it was filled with ups and downs, made some new friends, lost contact with other friends/acquaintances and had an amazing summer since 2006.

Lately, past emotions have reawakened in me that I thought were long dealt with and buried with the past. Some to do with worries and insecurities from past relationships reflected on a new one and I’ve had a sense of fear that my life is heading in no particular direction without any motivation and a feeling of apathy. I seemed to have shaken this feeling off but it does become hard to stir the ship alone and guide it in a positive path and above the dark clouds towards the light.


Last Autumn I revisited New York City after a long year and half absence. It was a wonderful seeing old friends that had remained and catching up with them but I also new that somehow the city had move on, perhaps it was the financial crisis or the atmosphere and friends leaving the city to seek something new elsewhere that made me being in NYC feel slightly nostalgic and miss London.
It was as though that feeling for an old boyfriend had suddenly died and all you wanted was to have a platonic friendship and return home to your new love interest rather than reawaken those old feelings that never got to be.
My friend Sarah put it correctly to me in that, for the last two years I have been away from NYC that I didn’t have the chance to go through the same changes the city was facing and therefore grew completely differently apart and no longer depended on it.

This theory was put to the test when I met up with GLAAD guy while I was in NYC. I remember totally being into him 3 years ago and going on a few dates, but I got the cold shoulder from him for reasons unknown and the conversation died out. We kept in touch while I reinstated myself in London and agreed to meet up with him for dinner during my visit. It was only until we were about to part ways and our lips met that he decided to tell me that for the last 2 years I had been the only one he has been thinking about and that he wished I had remained in NYC so that something meaningful could have been pursued between us. I couldn’t comprehend this revelation as I was never given any idea as to why the conversation died two years earlier and he didn’t pursue it further.

I rode the Subway back to St Marks to my friend’s apartment where I was staying; listening to Cheryl Cole’s ‘Fight for This Love’ with a tear in my eye because I didn’t feel the same way towards him and all I wanted was to be friends and because I was sad he didn’t say this 2 years ago when something more could have happened between us when I was still living in the city. I felt the same way about New York City; I no longer had that same feeling I had when I first went there. I felt I had lived there and experienced what I needed in life that I no longer felt the drive to live in NYC even though I still think it is the greatest city in the world! Or maybe it was a mutual feeling and we had both moved on.
I got a lot of closure from that trip to NYC. Seeing past boyfriends and even running into my ever first one while out there was a sign from the universe that I needed to move on and focus my life in London and the opportunities it was now offering.

A few weeks later when I returned to London, I met up with said first boyfriend for a catch up drink. He and I went out briefly 8 years ago for three months until he broke it with a text message saying we should just remain friends. At the time I was pretty heart broken, but looking back it was a stupid feeling and I moved on. We lost touch and after a few years we reconnected and met us friends for a catch up drinks, once often leading to more. While I never wanted to get back with him, there was an attraction of frienship and a “what if” lining the air. Much to that, while at our catch up drinks he stirred the conversation and asked me what it would have been like had we remained together till this day? I was taken aback and my only response was to say that I didn’t think I would have had the same life experiences had we remained together.

I got to thinking, is the world full of missed opportunities? It’s ironic that people miss the chance of something or someone good while it’s in front of them because they are not ready while the other person is, only to wait until years later to pursue them and realise the chance and the moment has passed, the feelings have ceased and there is nothing you can do to revive them because quite literally the other person has moved on.

But why can’t we say yes right now, at this present time and risk every emotion so we don’t miss out on sharing on what can be now and not wait 2 years, or 8 years to tell someone how who we still have feelings for them or make them wonder how the relationship would have been filled had you stayed together? If not now when?

In my opinion sometimes human beings are too scared to see beyond something worthwhile and fear missing out on ‘other’ opportunities. Why don’t we feel the fear and do it anyway, or will we always be waiting for the next best thing only to realise years later the best thing has passed us by?

IF YOU SEEK-HAMMY

The start of February brought in snow never before seen in London. I was snowed in on Monday 2nd with the whole city at a standstill. Who could believe that so much snow could make so much chaos?
Living in this city makes you wonder if we are prepared for what Mother Earth has to throw at us. I looked at my own life and asked the same question, “Am I prepared for what life has to throw at me?” Could I cope with the ‘snow’ and not be brought to a standstill?

My economic crisis continued with slight optimism and I could say that I have learned to cope and live on a budget. With the economic crisis as it is, it has become very important to watch my pocket and decided to open a savings account and reassess my credit card balance.

With some cash in my bank I venture to meet two new friends. I met Michael once Sunday afternoon for coffee at the Tate Modern. He is very hot for a 36-year-old man and to tell you the truth I’ve never considered a man in his 30s until after the guy from GLAAD in 2007. As we walked through the many modern sculptures and the spider installation I realized he had a partner whom he’d been with for several years. Damn I thought, but nonetheless I had gained a new friend who after another coffee break along the South Bank had opened up about is open relationship. He continued to tell me about how he and his husband-to-be often engaged in threesomes or ventured out on their own to spice up their relationship. Is this the modern way to maintain a healthy gay relationship? Surely if you don’t plan to have children, gay couples must come to a compromise and monogamy is a sacrifice worth taking.


The following weekend I met up with a new Kiwi Friend who is also in a relationship. It’s worth mentioning that it felt like a date more than the Gay Bingo we were attending. This however was strictly friendship I told myself. Several beers later, we ended up at a club dancing crazy to Britney beats. It was a great night out, but I realized I need to make friends with guys who didn’t have an open relationship and I was not prepared to be the third wheel in these scenarios. I’m a monogamist and even thought in gay relationships open relationships are common, it isn’t for me.

My own personal goals came into play this month. Trying to bring an event to London where people can socialize and network is hard work, especially when doors are closed in your face and people don’t want to help. This month however I got the support of the BFI London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival and I can safely say that progress is underway to make it happen. Attending the Press Launch I met a cute half-English-half-Pakistani Film director; I never go for dark types but he was unusually attractive. Not thinking much of it, I saw it as a venture to network later to learn from Facebook that he had a boy friend. I wasn’t disappointed, but it seemed that I was attracting guys who are in relationships or rather I am finding guys who are in a relationship attractive.

With the start of Lent I began to question what I needed to give up for these 40 days before Easter. It is easy to give up sweets and coffee and I think I would need to give up something that I am more dependent on that I should try to live without for the next couple of weeks. In a conversation with a friend I asked if sex is something he could give up only to answer yes. “What about masturbation?” I asked. The answer was no. Funnily enough he was prepared to give up sex with his boyfriend, which as it seems they hardly do it anyway but not masturbation? How far does a relationship have to go to stop relying on your partner for sex and opt for your right hand instead? Can masturbation be considers monogamy if you’re in a relationship?

I left my friend’s thoughts of self-exploration to make another date with the Surveyor guy I went on a couple of dates last summer. We had not met in recent months but kept in touch with the off email, text or Facebook message and lately chatting on MSN. I can’t recall the true reason that we didn’t take it further, perhaps I was not that into him (he is 30, or my mind was elsewhere to make any effort to continue dating. Given the chance and the fact that our MSN chats are very flirty filled with sexual innuendos we decided to meet up, only to be stood up due to a sudden ‘man-flu’ brought the day we were supposed to meet.
Not letting it disappoint me I made other arrangements and went out. I realized that what I needed to give up, if not for Lent but also for good, was old dates that failed to go anywhere. If nothing became of them or nothing happened I shouldn’t go back there to revive it. If it’s dead I shouldn’t be checking for a heartbeat every 5 minutes.
It’s time to seek something new…